the 'kept' woman/man thing that was posted the other day. Other things along those same lines would be great. Thoughts on old age, stuff like that. It can be religious or not. Religious would be great though... Doesn't really have to be about old age even. Boy, now I am rambling. Just give me what you got. I don't care what it is! :)
3794
I know, no politics, but you can substitute any names you want;
An old priest who for years had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital, lay dying in the hospital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Barack Obama and Joe Biden before I die," he whispered. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse, and she respectfully forwarded the request to the DNC and waited for a response. Surprisingly, soon the word arrived. Obama and Biden would be delighted to visit the priest. As they made their way to the hospital, Obama commented to Biden, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but the media coverage will certainly help our images." Biden couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Biden's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the ancient cleric's face. Finally Biden spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" Taking a deep breath, the old priest painfully replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior." "Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Biden. The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same."
3814don't know how many are appropriate for church, but they are funny!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
---Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But,thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
3814I do believe jrobs got u fixed up. She's real good at these things *4U
145791
158718This is long, but well, you decide.;)
Tommy's Story
John Powell, A Professor at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a
student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:
Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the
classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith. That was the first
day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his
long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the
first
time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming
into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn't what's on your head but
what's in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions
flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under "S" for strange ...very strange.
Tommy turned out to be the "atheist in residence" in my Theology of Faith
course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the
possibility
of an unconditionally loving Father-God. We lived with each other in
relative
peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious
pain in the back pew.
When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked
in a slightly cynical tone: "Do you think I'll ever find God?" I decided
instantly on a little shock therapy.
"No!" I said very emphatically.
"Oh," he responded, "I thought that was the product you were pushing."
I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then called out:
"Tommy! I don't think you'll ever find him, but I am absolutely certain that
He will find you!" He shrugged a little and left my class and my life. I
felt
slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line: "He
will find you!" At least I thought it was clever.
Later I heard that Tommy had graduated and I was duly grateful. Then a sad
report , I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him
out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very
badly wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of
chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first
time, I believe.
"Tommy, I've thought about you so often. I hear you are sick !" I blurted
out.
"Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It's a matter of weeks."
"Can you talk about it, Tom?"
"Sure, what would you like to know?"
"What's it like to be only twenty-four and dying?"
"Well, it could be worse."
"Like what?"
"Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals. Like being fifty and
thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real 'biggies'
in life."
I began to look through my mental file cabinet under "S" where I had filed
Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by
classification God sends back into my life to educate me.)
"But what I really came to see you about," Tom said, " is something you said
to me on the last day of class." (He remembered!) He continued, "I asked you
if you thought I would ever find God, and you said, 'No!' which surprised
me.
Then you said, 'But he will find you.' I thought about that a lot, even
though my search for God was hardly intense at that time. (My "clever" line.
He thought about that a lot!) "But when the doctors removed a lump from my
groin and told me that it was malignant, then I got serious about locating
God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began
banging bloody fists against the
bronze doors of heaven. But God did not come out. In fact, nothing happened.
Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no
success? You get psychologically gutted, fed up with trying. And then you
quit."
"Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals
over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just
quit. I decided that I didn't really care . . .about God, about an
afterlife,
or anything like that. I decided to spend what time I had left doing
something more profitable. I thought about you and your class and I
remembered something else you had said: 'The essential sadness is to go
through life without loving. But it would be
almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever
telling those you loved that you had loved them."
"So I began with the hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when
I
approached him."
"Dad. . ."
"Yes, what?" he asked without lowering the newspaper.
"Dad, I would like to talk with you."
"Well, talk."
"I mean... It's really important."
The newspaper came down three slow inches. "What is it?"
"Dad, I love you. I just wanted you to know that."
Tom smiled at me and said with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a
warm
and secret joy flowing inside of him: "The newspaper fluttered to the floor.
Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before.
He cried and he hugged me. And we talked all night, even though he had to go
to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see
his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me."
"It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me, too,
and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other.
We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. I was
only
sorry about one thing: that I had waited so long. Here I was just beginning
to open up to all the people I had actually been close to."
"Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn't come to me when
I
pleaded with him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop,
'C'mon, jump through. 'C'mon, I'll give you three days . . . three weeks.'
Apparently God does things in his own way and at his own hour."
"But the important thing is that he was there. He found me. You were right.
He found me even after I stopped looking for him."
"Tommy," I practically gasped, "I think you are saying something very
important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are
saying that the surest way to find God is not to make him a private
possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but
rather by opening to love. You know, the Apostle John said that. He said,
"God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God, and God is
living in him."
"Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a
real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come
into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just
told me? If I told them the same thing it wouldn't be half as effective as
if
you were to tell them."
"Oooh . . . I was ready for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for your
class."
"Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call."
In a few days Tommy called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted
to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never
made
it. He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and
my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only
changed. He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far
more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever
heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.
Before he died, we talked one last time. "I'm not going to make it to your
class," he said.
"I know, Tom."
"Will you tell them for me? Will you . . . tell the whole world for me?"
"I will, Tom. I'll tell them. I'll do my best."
So, to all of you who have been kind enough to hear this simple statement
about love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the
sunlit, verdant hills of Heaven: "I told them, Tommy. . . as best I could."
158718"A Story Of Four Wives"
Once upon a time...there was a rich King who had four wives.
He loved the fourth wife the most and adorned her with rich
robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave
her nothing but the best.
He also loved the third wife very much, and he was always
showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared
that one day she would leave him for another.
He also loved his second wife. She was his confidante and
was always kind, considerate, and patient with him. Whenever
the King faced a problem, he could confide in her to help
him get through the difficult times.
The King's first wife was a very loyal partner and had made
great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom.
However, he did not love the first wife and although she
loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.
One day, the King fell ill, and he knew his time was short.
He thought of his luxurious life and pondered, "I now have
four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.
Thus, he asked the fourth wife, "I have loved you the most,
endowed you with the finest clothing, and showered great
care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and
keep me company?" "Absolutely not!" replied the fourth wife,
and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut
like a sharp knife right into his heart.
The sad King then asked the third wife, "I have loved you
all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep
me company?" "No," replied the third wife. "Life is too
good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank
and turned cold.
He then asked the second wife, "I have always turned to you
for help, and you've always been there for me. When I die,
will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't
help you out this time," replied the second wife. "At the
very most, I can only send you to your grave." Her answer
came like a bolt of thunder, and the King was devastated.
Then a voice called out. "I'll leave with you and follow you
no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was
his first wife. She was so sad and thin, she looked
half-starved. Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have
taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"
In truth, we all have four wives in our lives: Our fourth
wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we
lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die.
Our third wife is our possessions, status, and wealth. When
we die, it will all go to others.
Our second wife is our family and friends. No matter how
much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay
by us is up to the grave.
And our first wife is our soul, often neglected in pursuit
of wealth, power, and pleasures of the ego. However, our
soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go.
So cultivate, strengthen, and cherish it now! It IS your
greatest gift to offer the world.
158718Try this website, I hope it works ...lots of old age stuff try "Are you Lonesome Tonight"
http://www.libertyhigh56.net/spec...
20582I'm sorry I don't... but I'm sure someone will come along and have elderly jokes for you. :-) xoxo
One thing I do like from the Word is where GOD promises us Hew ill take care of us when we have grey hair... not a jokie, a promise...but oh worth mentioning! :-)
GOD bless you friend...
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