I read a really funny book a few years ago called ”How to kill your husband and other helpful household tips” I don’t think it was funny now I seriously want the recipe. My husband is driving me insane. I just don’t understand him and I am so tire

My oldest son is here right now packing all of bot of there stuff into a ute (small truck) he is refusing any help and when I tried to speak to him he is being very hostile and saying stuff like "your asked us to move in mum" "your husband is a ....." "you are married to a loser". I feel like I am going to cry, but I will try not to. He has no right to be this angry with me or my husband, we were trying to help by asking him and his brother to move in and we lent them both around $5,000 each for a car. MY older son won nearly $8,000 a few weeks ago and did not tell us, he did not pay us back and he spent all of the money on nothing. Clearly we didn't teach him anything while he was here.

1 comment

by bevintex 13 Apr 2011

Oh Alice, he is angry right now, it may be better to wait until he calms down before trying to speak with him. Things will work out, it just takes time. Oh the joys of motherhood.
Bev

prayers are with u girl I have a h like that I'm stupid and thst's that

Things are a bit better, I asked the grown up sons to move out. I did tell them that they could stay until they had somewhere decent to go to. They were not happy and instead of hanging around and getting a plan in place they have both moved to their sisters. I was a bit miffed that my problems have now become my daughters, but I have to accept that there is not much I can do about that.

3 comments

by asterixsew 11 Apr 2011

Alice your daughter will probably be far less tolerant than you are. Good Luck with the situation.

by capoodle 11 Apr 2011

You might want to send your daughters some of these responds to your dilemma. They might not know what they got themselves into by allowing their siblings to move in with them. Good luck for everyone.

by anangel 12 Apr 2011

Alice,
I am so glad you used the "tough love" approach with your sons, and their reaction to move immediately, although you were kind to give them time, was to make you have the "mean mommy guilt trip"! Don't buy into that! Don't worry about their sisters! The girls will take care of the situation lots quicker than we mothers! A sister will tell a brother to shape up or ship out, so quickly, their heads will spin. Then your daughter will have a greater appreciation for you and all you dealt with for so long. Our kids are tougher and have more stamina than we parents give them credit for! Stand strong and make the boys become men to fend for themselves. They will only become independent, when you quit being an "enabler". Tough love is tough and heartwrenching, but so necessary. Stay strong! They will "learn to fly" and make their own nest, but ONLY if you INSIST!
I understand so completely how you feel. My youngest daughter I asked to move many years ago, moved in with her sister. It lasted ONE week, then she made a couple of moves in with friends. She now has a nice apartment of her own, and working fulltime. It took a lot of tears on my part, but it worked after mustering enough strength to say 'go"!
Angel

Hi Alice - been thinking about you. Hope that things are a little easier at home. Love Sarah.

Several years ago my best friend was killed by his wife, she drove her mercedes benz three times over him, and claimed it was an accident.****So all you need is a new mercedes benz.

2 comments

by bevintex 06 Apr 2011

I remember this, wasn't she a dentist . She now resides in prison, so i guess it wasn't just an accident!
Bev

by fannyfurkin 11 Apr 2011

I suppose it is not so funny when it is real.

Hope things have improved in the past 4 days since you posted this. You got some really good advise from folks. Try to follow as much of it as you can! If you can get him to go, go to a marriage counslor. Maybe the "boys" need to go too!! Will be praying for this situation as that's all most of us can do. That & let you vent when you want to...as a woman, I know that helps.

Alice I know exactly what you are going through. My parents moved in with us six years ago and refuse to go to other kids. Life is to easy here, they just don't contribute to anything. Talk about us behind our back. Nothing is good enough for them. Rest of family have much to say, no-one wants them because my step-father is so nosey. My two sons have also moved in with us, house has only three bedrooms, I feel like knocking out walls. My husband is retiring one of these days, so I know what you feel. All my sympathy

Here is an article I copied and pasted to save as a reference after one of my friends had trouble with her son not wanting to move out. I sent it to her and she and her husband was able to pick parts of the article and come up with something that all three of them could agree on. This was after she had talked to her minister and even called the police on him.

Boomerang kids. Pretty descriptive, isn't it? The term describes the whopping 85 percent of college seniors who moved back home with their parents after graduation last May, according to a poll by Twentysomething Inc., a marketing and research firm in Philadelphia. Unemployment has hit this age group hard. Without jobs, there's nowhere for these kids to go but back into their old bedrooms.

When you send out your young adults to get married, to go to college or to live independently, you don't plan that they'll come back to live at home again. Whether your kid returns home due to tough economic times, a failed marriage or just to get his or her bearings after college, it can be very stressful unless everyone understands and shares the same expectations. You need a whole new set of house rules for when life throws you a boomerang.

1. Payment. Insist that they pay rent or make some other form of financial contribution. You might need to haul out the old chores chart to create some kind of bartering arrangement, so that at the very least they are buying groceries, paying utilities or paying a third of the rent.

2. Harmony. The boomerang has to respect the mother and her rules. Period. This isn't about power plays or defiance. It's about civility and basic subordination.

3. Temporary. This should be a onetime event with both a start and an end date, and not subject to renewal.

4. Laundry. As difficult as it may be, resist all temptation to do the boomerang's laundry.

Remember you are not agreeing to this living arrangement to create a life of ease for your boomerang. Things need to be generally austere, or you may find yourself dealing with the temptation to do his or her laundry for years beyond what might be considered reasonable.


5. Bills. Boomerangs will undoubtedly arrive with bills. Do not pay these. Do not even think about it. Boomerangs must take full responsibility for all bills, even if that requires a menial job or two.

6. Transportation. Living privileges should not extend to your car. Nor should you drive said boomerang around the way you did many years ago. Boomerangs are on their own to get around.

7. Parking. Make it very clear what the parking arrangements are. Boomerangs, by all rights, should park on the street, not occupy the primo garage or driveway space if that requires you or your spouse to park on the street.

8. Food. Come up with a plan that is acceptable to all parties. Do not leave this matter undiscussed.

9. Chores. Boomerangs need to be involved in the house. Chores should be spelled out in writing. Err on the side of being too detailed and specific. Remember, this is the same kid who was the master at finding loopholes not so many years ago.

10. Contract. Transfer your house rules to a simple contract that everyone signs.

Let your young men know that they are adults and as they are back home they have to pay full Rent buy all the food (including yous & Hubbies) Do all the cleaning, washing, cooking, & pay the power, water & Gas bills, from NOW ON which means the next bill that comes in they pay. everything has to be up to your standard or better. the gardening is also included. This is good experance for when they have their own home. ONE RULE AT ALL TIMES is NO PARTIES at home. On the money you save you and your Hubby can go out for a meal, or away for the weekend. retire to your room with hubby for some together time. If you think the rent value is too high still charge it & bank or save the extra to give them at a latter date. e.g. when they marry. Good Luck. Oh ask Hubby what his parents would have done if he went home or if he did how did they feel?

Oh dear Alice - my heart goes out to you. I get the feeling that your DH is feeling a bit left out. It must be difficult for him having your sons living with you. I am not siding with your DH but it must be very difficult. I totally agree with what Anangel has said. I only have daughters and in a way I think that it is easier as both my daughters left home when they were about 18. This is not going to go away. Try a family meeting and let all the 'men' air their grievances. Hope you manage to sort this out. Thinking of you. Love and hugs Sarah.

oh dear, husbands can drive you crazy sometimes. Here they say men and women come from different planets. Men come from Mars and women from Venus. That's why it's so difficult sometimes. But thanks to Miss veronika we have Cute to let our emotions free. So a big hug for you my dear. Take a deep breath and go for it to find the harmony in the house. and go for a walk to clear your head . Such a walk can be very nice. I know,it helps me too.
hugs for you!!

Take some time with just the two of you Too much testostreum in the household is hard...He now has to compete for you and that has made him feel inadequate...although you may not see it that way, they have infringed on his security level....Maybe, all of you can sit down, plan out something in the line of a future date of things to be accomplished....Lean on the LORD and
have patience....remember that whatever words you speak are planted and not forgotten..Its hard to undo things said in the heat of anger..If he is ranting again Look at
your husband straightway-don't raise your voice or sunker
down any and very politely and calmly say.."I Love you
and I know you are having a problem with the way things
are, but at this moment tempers and attitudes are not in a position for us to handle things appropriately...Lets
take a few minutes hours and space before you get together...Then you need to make sure your boys know that this is HIS HOME AND YOURS and they are a guest only..Your DH needs to know that he is the head of the household...If your boys cannot accept that, then they need to be moving on....YOU married your husband, not your kids...The future is your husband and you...Your boys will be moving on in time and then you will be left alone because of this...
Children are a gift from God, they are not your companion...SET A TIME LIMIT ON YOUR BOYS...as much as you love them, God needs to be first, your Husband needs
to be second....
I have seen this in a few of our friends where the man was a stepfather and the kids ran the house..The wives let them..The guys felt like they weren't being listened to and anything they said had little value...When the man feels unappreciated or threatened, things go bad.....

WILL SAY MANY PRAYERS FOR YOU SO THAT YOUR MARRIAGE FINDS THE RIGHT WAY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN...

1 comment

by lbrow 04 Apr 2011

Well said & thought out Deanna

Is hubby retired, and under foot too much? I understand how hard it is to have adult chldren living with you. The best thing you can do is give them a "leave home date." Then you will be less stressed and able to draw closer to your hubby. He is probably feeling very left out with 3 grown men at home. Hugs

here is the full story,
I read a really funny book a few years ago called ”How to kill your husband and other helpful household tips” I don’t think it was funny now I seriously want the recipe. My husband is driving me insane. I just don’t understand him and I am so tired of him treating me like I am stupid. I want to scream, actually I have been screaming all day. he gets me so mad I have to walk away and then he follows me. How dumb is that? I walked away because I was boiling mad and I did not want to throw things at him so he follows me around to make me madder. The single life is looking pretty good right now.

5 comments

by lbrow 02 Apr 2011

Sounds like you need a heart to heart talk. You write down everything he does to bug you & tell him to write down everything you do to bug him then exchange papers & see who has the most to gripe about. sometimes this helps people take a good look at themselves./Lillian

by fannyfurkin 02 Apr 2011

Lillian that may work, but it is not me that is bugging him, it is my sons, they are 28 and 26 they just moved home with me last year. They are not his sons. I agree that it is time they stood on there own two feet, but he won't talk to them he nags at me. What he says is always very exaggerated and designed for maximum dramatic effect. He accuses me of outrageous things. He tells me what I think even though I have just expressed thoughts that are quite the opposite. Yesterday I told him I was not happy with the way the boys kept their bedrooms, today he said "I know you are quite happy with the way they keep their rooms". what is the point of talking to him, he has his own crazy ideas and it doesn't matter what I actually think, he will have his opinion about what I think and that in his mind is how it is. Of course some of the things he has said this morning are far more dramatic than that, but simply cannot be written here, because they are far to vile for this company.

by anangel 03 Apr 2011

Alice,
It is so hard to use "tough love" with your sons, but that is what they need to grow up and become independent from you! It was the most difficult thing I ever did to ask my grown daughter to find a place of her own, but her attitude and moodiness was destroying my household. She took advantage of my tender heart and thought she had around the clock maid service. She definitely tried to put a wedge between her stepfather and my relationship. I decided I could not let her win this battle of the wills.
Many good husbands are pushed aside because of stepchildren manuevering mom to do so in their own way of controling situations. Unless your sons have mental or physical handicaps, they are way too old to be dependent upon you for their care. It is not your husbands place to talk to your sons, it is yours! It is your responsibility to not allow your children to ruin your marriage.
As mothers, we want to always do for our children, but that is not what is always best for them. Push them from the nest and make them fly on their own. A lot of your stress will be removed and the marital spark can be re-ignited for a much happier household. We enable our grown children to not do better with their lives, when we provide their needs. Use TOUGH LOVE, and enjoy watching them find their way in life!
Angel

by airyfairy 04 Apr 2011

This is truly great advice. My youngest daughter was also very difficult with my husband when we were first married. She did her best to be impossible. Now some 20 years later(with children of her own) she and my husband are the very best of friends.

by sewdeb 05 Apr 2011

HUGS and if I come across the recipe, I'll pass it on. ;-D

Well, if he suddenly disappears we'll know WHO DID IT!

Driving you crazy?
Bev

1 comment

by fannyfurkin 02 Apr 2011

that has happened to me before. I type something in the second box in personals and it dissapears.