I married very young and I had three children to my first husband, after about 3 years of drunken abuse and violence and continuous unemployment, I got a full time job. We separated only a few months after I started working full time. I then proceeded to do my nurses registration training and tried to provide for my children as best I could.
My sons were very difficult, they were always in trouble at school and I was constantly being called from work to come and try to sort out whatever drama they had caused.During this time there father had disappeared and we had no contact with him. I tried to be both mum and dad, but this is very difficult. I had to work, we needed money as does everyone.
Finally one day they were truant from school and my brother happened to see them walking down the street. He picked them up to return them to school, they kicked and punched him and his friend. They then demolished the principals office and one of them assaulted a police officer. I got a telephone call at work and was told they were at the police station. All three of them including my oldest daughter.
When I arrived at the police station the sergeant informed me that he had placed a care and control order on the children and that it was his expectation that the department of family services would offer me some assistance with managing there behaviour.
This did not occur, the family services department took my children into care and became furious with the police sergeant because they did not like the care and control order he had written and they wanted a care and protection order. This resulted in a huge battle between the police who maintained that the children did not need protection because they were not in any danger and were never abused or neglected by me. The family services argued that although they were aware that the children were not in danger or being abused or neglected, they just like the care and protection order better because it was nicer for the kids.
I remember telling this story to my work colleagues at the time and thinking, if someone were telling me this I would not believe a word of it.
The family services seemed determined to make my life impossible. They would suggest I should do something ie family counselling, which I would dutifully do only to be told that I needed to to something else and something else and on and on. During this time it would appear that they were telling my children that I did not want them back.
I thought I had managed to salvage a relationship with my children despite all of this, I have with my daughters, I have a great relationship with them.
Now some of you may remember that last year my two sons came to stay with me and my husband. We lent them both enough money to buy a car each, the expectation was that they would pay us back but without interest. There were constant crisis that I had to bale them out of from traffic tickets to cars being towed away paying for qualifications to help them get work, they would lose jobs and be out of work and not be able to pay board etc... then on Christmas eve, they both got very drunken and became threatening to my husband, my husband is 54 and would not be able to defend himself against two young fit men. I can hear you all thinking we should have thrown them out then. but we did not, for three more months we let them stay here until the tension got too much. I then asked them to make plans to leave, offered to help them to save for a place of there own. What they did is promptly move in with there sister, and start phoning me with abuse and telling me what a terrible mother I am, they are bringing up all of the past and accusing me of things that are not true.
I can't get my head around it, I don't understand why if they hate me that much they came to live in my house and accepted a loan from me? why were they all affectionate and loving to me when they lived here if they had so much anger from the past?
They have both told me that I am no longer there mother and one of them is addressing me as Alice.
This has brought back this very traumatic time in my life that I thought was behind me, I am so devastated and I must admit very angry. I hope that you can all understand how difficult it is for me to share this, but I really need the prayer warriors at the moment.
Alice.
19430
Alice, I'm sorry you've been thru all this nastiness. I have a son (and daughter). His attitude to life - sh...... happens, get over it and get on with life. Your sons need to understand you did your best when they were young, they're old enough to fend for themselves, if they can't be civil then you don't need them in your life. I think you done enough for them ,time for them to take on their on responsibilties. Glad you are over the "guilt" trip. God Bless andHugs, Elizabeth
6339God bless you, I know this is horrible. Our prayers are with you and your husband.
3457The wheels have fallen off this again. My sons are being really awful. I had blocked them on fb but my daughter sent a private inbox message to all of us. This gave them an avenue to stick the boot in again. So the insults keep coming. I had tried to reason with them, this was a mistake. All that is left to do now is pray. Please pray for my family.
Alice.
2 comments
by manami
26 Jun 2011
Dear Alice, I just read this post, I'm so sorry I havent seen this before.
I will call you this week sometime, but just know that you have all my prayers and love. You are a great mom! Love and hugs, and prayers, Yoriko
by fannyfurkin
28 Jun 2011
I am looking forward to a chat. It will be nice to catch up, but we really should get together soon.
Hugs.
Alice.
19430I too had 5 years of drunken violence in my marriage. After divorce I tried to raise my daughter by myself too. At 14 she decided to go live with her fater (who had never been in her live) just to hurt me. To keep the story short I too had to put my foot down and not let her walk on me any more. She had to learn to stand on her own two feet. Now she has her life together and I are best friends. Sometime tuff love is the best ( though not easy)
My prayers for things to work out for you to.
3368Alice, you did the best you could at the time. Obviously their father was not a good role model either. The boys are harboring a deep anger. They seem to take it out on you. Don't let them abuse you like that. Go to a domestic violence agency and get the help you need to understand it is not your fault and it is the boys who are being abusive. They need anger management therapy but they'll never willingly go. Do NOT listen to the abuse- walk away, hang up the phone. You wouldn't let anyone else treat you like this so don't let your sons do it. Yes, I've been there. The domestic violence group saved my sanity and I urge you to find them and go. They can help you learn to take care of you. You are not a bad MOM. They are bad sons but emotional control is their way of abusing you. Only you can stop it but you need the support group to help you. PLEASE quit blaming yourself! Hang in there and get some help. Call the domestic violence hotline. They can direct you where to start.
Wish I could hug you! You'll be in my prayers.
Meri
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26714Well I am so glad for you... tough love is what it takes sometimes...I am glad they are taking your brothers advice...sometimes it helps with a third party....Will keep you in our hearts...deanna
34246Dear Alice, I just read your update and am so happy you are getting some relief from your situation with your sons. It is surprising how exhausting it can be to be under such stress. I am glad too that you have a brother that can give you back-up. Family is a blessing, but, our spouses should always come first. We are all praying for you.
6596yes God still answers prayers even today i will continue to lift you and yours up!!big hugs carolyn
360635My dear Alice, Your letter is so full of sadness, my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately we have to be tough with some children to be kind. Thank goodness your brother is there to help and he has certainly done the right thing. Your boys have taken advantage of your love and kindness and I hope that one day they will see what a wonderful mother you have been. You do not deserve this. I am not a religious person but you are in my thoughts at this time. Be strong. Hugs Sarah.
254917Glad you are making progress. I have been praying for you to resolve this strife. Keep at it but don't drive yourself crazy. Just keep the door open if your sons should decide they want to meet you half way again. Good luck. Suzanne
111372Update. My husband and I decided in view of the dreadfully antisocial behaviour from my sons that a hard line had to be taken. We sent a letter demanding that they recommenced repaying their loans or we would take it to small claims court. at about the same time that they received our letter, my brother emailed a letter to both of them which very diplomatically and nicely written pointed out to them the error of there ways. I did not know my brother had written this letter as I had tried not to involve him to much because he went through a very serious episode ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder) recently and I did not want him getting upset. (I have 7 brothers, well nine if you count my 2 brother embroidery machines,lol). Between the tough line Rick and I have taken and the letter my brother wrote we seem to be making progress. I think we have a way to go but my sons have agreed to start repaying there loans and they have both told me they love me and I have had as close as I will get to an apology from them. So Thank you to all you prayer warriors. there is power in prayer and I think God likes it when we share and support each other.
big hugs.
Alice.
4 comments
by stitchship
17 May 2011
Well Praise the Lord! I am so glad to hear this news.
I agree, we need to pray for each other and encourage each other. Life is hard sometimes, and we need someone else there to help us through. Cute has been there for me so many times. We will keep praying for all of you!
by pennifold
17 May 2011
Dear Alice,
So glad to see that your boys have 'softened their hearts' a bit. I'm so glad your brother helped you out too! A problem shared is a problem solved, so to speak. I'll keep on praying for them to see that what they have done can be resolved, it's always good to have closure. I'll pray for that. Love and blessings Chris
by bevgrift
25 May 2011
Kids can say the nastiest things to us Moms,we will always forgive and love them, no matter what.
Hugs and Prayers
From Bev
19430Dear Alice,
I missed your message 2 days ago. It is a pity I can't come through the phone and give you a big hug. Please stay strong. Although we will always love our children till we leave this earth you have to think of yourself and your dear husband. It must be hard on him as well watching you go through this worrying time. The two of you are the most important in your lives. Your children have the same chances that you have had to make a good life for themselves. Please keep us posted. Thinking of you. Lyn
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
17 May 2011
Yes Lyn, it is probably even harder for him, he brought these men into his home to try and give them a helping hand, he is not there father, he has no history to feel guilty about but they have chosen to thank him with threats and insults. But we are actually getting somewhere now. I will update above.
29801First a big hug to you. Second enjoy being alone with your husband. The children (adults) are old enough to have to live with the consequences to their actions. Moms do seem to feel guilty so easily and believe me I am a champion at it. What would they do if you were not around? Don't beat yourself up over the past. You did the best you could and you can't change it anyways. Hugs Angie
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
17 May 2011
Angie you are so right about how we can feel guilt so easily. The best thing about this situation is that it has brought it all to a head and I don't feel guilty anymore.
109774prayers for you my dear. keep your faith in the Lord. I wished I could give you a hug right now. But all I can give you now are my thoughts and prayers. hugs, G.
1 comment
743155My prayers are with you and the entire family. Only God can provide the healing that is needed.
Hugs,
Jacqueline
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
16 May 2011
Well thanks to all of your prayers the healing has started, not quite there yet but I will wait to see what tomorrow brings. Thank you Jacqueline.
70914Alice, so sorry for all the past pain and awful circumstances for you and your family. The hard part of being a parent is repairing our children for adulthood. We have the 1st 18 years to do that - sometimes - things happen to limit that time - as you know - then once they are adults - anything that happens after that 1st 18 years - is theirs - not yours.
I will be praying to God for acceptance for you and for them.
It would help them - if they knew that their drinking was causing them trouble - but they don't see that - so they will not seek help for that - until they hit rock bottom - sorry.
Do whatever you can - to make today right for you and for Rick. Many prayers will be said for you - the most important one - is from you.
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
Thank you Shirlene, I am really starting to realise that I have done all I can, unfortunately I know I will have to watch my sons self destruct. The other sad thing is that they do owe us a lot of money and I can't let that slide, they need to recognise that they accepted a loan that they were expected to pay back and they must pay it back. It feels harsh but I believe that making them accountable for that is the right thing to do, otherwise I will be giving them the wrong message. I am of the opinion that all of this drama is about avoiding the debt. I am praying constantly and I am very grateful for the prayers from my friends. I know that God will answer my prayers, I just have no idea how.
Alice.
211079I agree with what anangel says below. They are using sentimental manipulation, to make you feel guilty and give in. It is like a type of control. You've done the best you could, and now it is their turn. They have to make the right choices in life or face consequences. If we always bail our kids out, then what are we teaching them?
There are times to help them out, and there are times when we have to say things like... Well you got a ticket... so how are you going to pay for it? That is a repercussion or outcome for their own choice.
I know it is hard. I am learning myself, how to teach my children to make the right choices.
Believe me, I feel for you, and send you a hug. May the Lord help you and them sort this out. I'll be praying for all of you! :)
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
You are right of course, I am aware that I am being emotionally blackmailed, but this time it won't work. My concern is this sympathy card has worked well for these boys for a long time, they have used it on so many people to illicit support and avoid taking any responsibility for themselves. The problem is that there will always be someone else who will feel sorry for them and delay the need for them to be responsible. But it is time for me to give it to God. So I have. I am so grateful for all the support.
12821Alice,
I am so sorry for your disappointment and heartwrenching frustration, but I truly understand. Our adult children, who do not want to be responsible for their actions, nor, do the required work to fend for themselves, wreak havoc on our already stressed heart, by putting us on a "guilt trip", continuously! It is difficult, but do not buy into that "guilt" scenario! The best of parenting will still render lazy offspring, who refuse to grow up, and need someone to blame for their poor decisions, someone to pay for their continued acts of recklessness. To give in to this emotional blackmail, only delays their "growing up"!
Don't excuse their behavior! Many children from deplorable childhood situations have excelled and risen above what was lacking during formative years! Others choose to blame, and what better victim than the parents! No matter if you went right by the book of great parenting, kids still have a mind of their own to make choices that affect their lives for good or bad. Their comes a time they have to accept their plight in life, as the results of poor decisions, and want to do better. You cannot do that for them; they have to want a better life! As mothers, we always punish ourselves by thinking what could I have done differently that would have made this a situation happier. When one knows they did the best one could do under the circumstances, there is no reason for "guilt". Accepting that we are human and make mistakes, does not take away how deeply we love and care, or how hard we tried. Adult children have to own their bad choices, and make a conscientious decision to do better. It may take years, but, in the meantime, focus on keeping yourself strong and maintaining your sanity by doing things that give you fulfillment and self esteem. It is necessary to cancel the "guilt trip", book an "It's time for ME" extended vacation from blame! Hang in there, Alice, happiness is a state of mind! Refuse to let anyone disturb it! May the Lord grant you a special peace!
Angel
2 comments
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
Angel, you have such a way with words. Yes I know what you are saying about some people rising above their past, I have seen so much evidence of this, I worked as a Mental health nurse for over 20 years and I saw people who would fall apart over the slightest thing and blame it on something that happened 20 years ago, and I worked along side of others who had been through horrendous things in life but had risen above it and become well rounded highly functional people. I can't make their choices for them and I can't change the past. I really don't know what I was thinking when I asked them to come and live here. As a psych nurse I would have advised any other parent against that. But I guess that is the difference between being and outsider looking in and a mother who has guilt. The one good thing about this experience is that I no longer feel guilty. I am angry, but I can't hold anger for very long, I find it far to exhausting. Thank you for your prayers and you wise words.
12500I can offer no advice Alice so I will just say that my heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself in such an emotional time. Hugs, Debra
1 comment
33580Sorry that you are going through this. Some time kids don't understand how words hurt. I am sending you a big hug.
1 comment
72397Dear Alice, i just want you to know that your self worth is not based on other people. We judge ourselves by what our family does. But, God loves us for who we are. Children get older and become adults but, some of them forget to grow up. Our past does define alot of who we are. But, your sons are old enough to make their own way. I hope this doesnt sound preachy. But, every time they call and you allow them to upset your life they win. Find someone who can help you make a plan for when they call or visit. It will help you to have an outside support system.My prayers and thoughts will be with you.
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
This is good advice, they have not tried to contact me for a week now and I have stopped trying to contact them. Things need to settle a bit.
6596Alice dear, I am sending prayers and a big hug to you this day. I pray that the Lord will guide your sons to seek help for their drinking and counseling for their anger. I pray that you will seek counseling to be able to deal with all the anger and hurt you are feeling. May the Lord bless and guide you through this most difficult journey. Peace and hugs Love, Cindy B.
1 comment
11473Dear Alice,
Wow, what a lot of angst those boys of yours are hanging onto. Drinking is such a destructive weapon and it's always hardest for those who are watching it. I do pray that the boys can get some help from AA. Maybe it will open their eyes to what they are doing to you and your husband, both physically and mentally.
I was so glad to read that you have renewed your relationship with your girls - there is nothing worse than family breakdowns. One of my dear friends went through a patch with not talking with one of her daughters and it just broke my heart to see it. Thankfully they did renew their relationship.
I am not sure how old your sons are but maybe it is time that they did go and fend for themselves. You've done the best job you could in raising them and I pray that one day they will come to appreciate that.
A very dear friend of mine once told me that we only have our children on loan for such a short time. Once they become adults it's up to them to go and face the world. We are the only species to let them keep on coming back so to say.
I do pray that you will get your "normal" life back and that all of the past can be just that - the past. There is nothing beneficial in bringing back old hurts. I pray that your sons will see that.
Love and blessings Chris
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
Thank you Chris, My relationship with my daughters never really missed a beat. I am quite proud of the young women they have become. My sons are 28 and 27, so they should have their act together by now, but sadly they don't. Drinking is a big part of the problem to the point that my 27 year old is showing signs of liver damage already. I kept telling him, "you only have one liver" but he continues to damage it. I am not sure how this will be resolved but I know I must leave it to God now. I am to hurt and angry to attempt any communication at the moment, so I need to focus on Rick and I at the moment so that we are strong enough to deal with it in the future.
234473Alice, it is hard to all of you hurting so much. Please keep yourself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. Do not own thier pain. You did your best and love them. It is unfortunate that they have chosen to be so unkind to you and to themselves. We will be praying.
1 comment
169063Alice, I will ask the Great Spirit to hold you and your family in the palms of His healing hands, to guide and comfort you and your family and to protect all of you from any more heart ache.
Jo
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
15 May 2011
Thank you Jo. I know I have to give this to God, as there is nothing more I can do.
25531I'm so sorry you are having to go through this....I remember my Pastor saying hurting people hurt others, and this may be the case with your sons....I will be praying for you and your hubby and for God to touch the hearts of your sons....hang in there and let God work....Gods blessing to each of you....Janet
1 comment
by fannyfurkin
14 May 2011
Janet, Thank you, I agree with what you have said, I do think thought that it is suiting my sons to hold onto their pain, this was 16 years ago, but they have managed to get lots of sympathy and avoid consequences of bad behaviour by pulling out the hurt card when it suits them.
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