by shirlener88 18 May 2011

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman)


When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks, any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror: my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit ...a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read: 'Material might become transparent in water'.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off pants and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time. Life
isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. With or without a bathing suit.


I personallly haven't had a bathing suit on in years.

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by ramona 21 May 2011

How I can relate to this one! Thank you so much for the laughs!!!

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Glad I could share something that would make you laugh. Hehehe!

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by snowbird42 21 May 2011

yes i am rolling on the floor i have had similar tales in the horror chamber i did not consider the costume may become invisible in the water i will have to watch for that i love your story and i am still laughing while i write this...i usually have to remake some part of the garment for comfort.....soozie

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Soozie, it is good that you can remake something with as little material as they have in them - Hehehe!

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getEdited - SELECT
by camylow 21 May 2011

Well Girls, let me in on my secret of wearing a bikini...YOU PUT A OVERSIZED T-SHIRT over IT LIKE I DO... hahaha..My DH can't ever claim I don't wear one and nobody gets scared or laughing like crazy at the site they just beheld of me in one...

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Hehehe! At least you can find one to wear.

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by marthie 21 May 2011

Oh I can identify with this

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Hehehe!

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by beatie58 20 May 2011

LOL! Don't think I even own a pair of Togs (bathers) now! heheh. Hugs Sally

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

I have one - that I could wear - but I hate wearing it - so I don't go swimming - I can't swim anyway.

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by gerryvb 20 May 2011

LOL

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by 02kar Moderator 20 May 2011

Loved it. I hate appearing in public in a bathing suit myself. But the hot tub in the hotwl is always so inviting.

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Now, I would more than likely put something on - if I could get in one of those regularly.

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by missqueenbee47 20 May 2011

This is too funny. True though.

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

Hehehe!

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by noah 18 May 2011

GOOD ONE SHIR.I KNOW I GOT NO SHAPE NOMORE AND I REALLY DON'T CARE LOL IF IT FITS I WARE IT LOL CAROLYN

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

I have one - but I just never put it on - nor care to.

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by nonna57 18 May 2011

Good one Shirlene. I must add that it has bee a few decades since i last squeesed into togs (swimmers) :))

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 21 May 2011

I understand.

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by asterixsew Moderator 18 May 2011

Brilliant. Now when did I last wear my bathers? ah...last summer

1 comment
shirlener88 by shirlener88 18 May 2011

Good for you dear.

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