I am really lost. When things are good with Rick and I they are awesome, but when we argue it goes way to far. I just don't know what to do, I am always the one that apologises even when I am not in the wrong and I get very fed up with it.

I'm sad for you, Alice, but times have been stressful for you lately, and undoubtedly for Rick, too, what with the weather, the new job, the new house and, most of all maybe, the inability to get on with your hobby (not hubby) the way you'd like to. There's bound to be a few argy-bargies to work through. When an argument takes the 'who's right and who's wrong' tack the actual argument has finished and it's time to retire.

If there is a next time retire into the little throne room with a magazine and a drink and have a few answers ready...
e.g.
Q. What are doing in there?
Pause....
A. Reading recipes.
A. Being alone.
A. .... You could say 'Cooling down' but at this stage my mind is going wild - I could go on but my answers wouldn't be suitable for a public forum.

DHDon and I, both strong characters, have been married for 54 years in December and I haven't resorted to my Last Ditch Retirement to the Loo ... yet. That idea is still up my sleeve. I might still be waiting for the argument that's really worth the effort. Trouble is..... he was brought up among arguments and I wasn't .... he knows how to cope with them and I don't. Many years ago I had my case packed for four whole months at one stage, waiting for the 'very next time'. It didn't come for a long time after that and by that time I'd mellowed slightly.

I'm glad now that we never really argued about serious things - those things got talked through. Now DHD needs me and I will no doubt need him to get through our Senior Moments and Years. That thought is so much more important than remembering who won which disagreement and who conceded defeat.

Hang in there, Alice. You've got Us - who's Rick got??

AlmaG.

1 comment

by asterixsew 11 Nov 2011

Alma what a great reply and wise words

Alice, you both need some laughter in your relationship. It is difficult to argue about anything when you are laughing.

Whenever anything goes wrong at my house now I can quickly tell my husband that even though it was my fault I am definitely going to blame it on him as usual. He always laughs and says, 'Yes, I know.'

Good luck to you.

Marcelle

I said this exact same thing many years ago and my friend asked me if I would rather be righteous or happy? I've been married 42 years now, I chose happy.

I just learned something new, neither partner should always win the arguments. If one is always winning then the relationship is lopsided because there is no way they are always right. The "winner" needs to learn to let go once in a while and the other one beds to stand up for themselves more. If you don't feel safe with that then definitely get counseling.

1 comment

by devon 04 Nov 2011

Thanks sewmom you are right.

Alice, I hope you have managed to get counselling.
(I had to give counselling to a few of my staff members when I was still working)

This will help you both.
Remember a counseller does not tell you what to do, they listern. They do not take sides. This will bring out the things that you do not agree on. So you must work through it together.

It is going to be hard, but as time goes on, you will see that it works both ways.


Best of luck.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Hugs Yvonne

Agh!! I do not know how long you have been married, but let me tell you something funny, I think after 39 years of marriage, I also seem to be the one to apologise more than hubby. It is not so bad anymore though. I have learnt to use my words more wisely, and I make him think that I think he is right too, but that I am also not wrong. Takes some doing sometimes, ha,ha. but I am getting better and better at it all the time, and do you know? I really think they mellow with time.
I wish you luck, and happiness, life is so short.
Hugs and God bless
Marietta

1 comment

by pennifold 11 Nov 2011

Trev and I have been married 39 years too Marietta. Love Chris

My husband and I went through a few very rough years, from which we've recently started recovering from. We went to a marriage counselor, who immediately told us we should just give up and divorce. Umm, she didn't' get paid. That wasn't our goal in seeing her. We started emailing each other instead of talking in person when things got ugly. That way, EVERYTHING was in writing, giving us each a chance to think through what we were saying and then also having a record of the full conversation. It worked. You might also try recording an argument with her cell phone, and then, when things have settled down, go back and listen to it. My husband did that to show me how horrible I was, and then forgot about it. About six months ago, he found a mystery file on his phone and listened to it. He could not believe how verbally abusive he was. He was horrified. Since then, he does not raise his voice to me, and has really changed for the better.
You probably apologize to relieve yourself of the situation or to stop the warfare. It might only prove to him that he is right. I really would recommend recording an encounter, even if for your ears only. I wish you the best. Marriage can have some real deep pits in the road. But there must have been a reason we married him in the first place..... Good luck with your turmoil. I hope you find a way to bring family peace, or at least internal peace.

I had a son who would follow me around and argue to the endth degree. Finally I realized that I couldn't control him, but I could control me. I disengaged. I quit talking, left the room, if he followed me I went for a walk, whatever it took to get away. Later when we were both calm was a better time for talking. Sometimes I write my feelings in a note. I find I can express myself, and I don't have to defend myself. I hope you ca work things out.

oh dear, I think it's a good thing to go to a counsellor. Someone who is objective and is willing to try to come to a solutioin. In the mean time, come here when you need some comfort some understanding or a hug.so here's a big hug for you!

Thank you all for your support. I realise that walking away is the best solution, but the problem with that is he follows me. I can't seem to make him understand that if I am angry he should leave me alone, he thinks that if he follows me around pointing out to me why it is my fault that this will resolve it. I have decided we need to get some counselling. So I have told him that I don't want to discuss this unless it is with a counsellor. Boy did it take some patience trying to get that through to him.

2 comments

by capoodle 28 Oct 2011

I was praying for you all day to be able to find a solution to your situation realizing it is Saturday where you live and may not find a counselor until Monday.

by terriweistra 29 Oct 2011

Oh blimey, my DL also likes to point out where he thinks I have gone wrong, for years it made me rattlesnake mad and now 35 years later I have learned to smile and wait for MY opportunity to point out why I WASNT wrong :) Hang in there babe

Sending you hugs. DeVon

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ALice, I am so sorry you are in this situation, I can not be good given advice, my husband and I never had a strong arguement, we just walk away and then talk after we both were relax, You just moved and that is a very stressful situation,communication is the key word, I was married 28 years till my dh left this earthy plane.

Alice, I don't know a man that would apologise when they are in the wrong or not. But nonetheless - it is totally up to you - if you do or not - I doubt I would apologise for a something that was not my fault. I think I might get on with life and deal with my fealings about the situation - just to make myself happy. How you deal with your relationship - is up to you - what you will tolerate or not - you show everyone - how to deal with you - by your actions. Stand up and be yourself and be proud of who you are. Don't allow bad treatment - walk away from it - when it happens.

Alice,
I have always heard, "It takes TWO to argue or fight, so it is a "choice" YOU make to get combative! All one has to do is choose to smile and walk away, leaving the other one baffled, as he has no one to inflict his rath! Always needing to be the one who is RIGHT" is a control fanatic! So much stress is aleviated, when we erase that need from our personality! Two people, who truly love and care about each other, recognize each is entitled to his/her own opinion in any given situation, and "agree to disagree", without arguing. Everyone gets their "feathers ruffled" once in awhile, and especially when he/she is overwhelmed, tired, and/or frustrated! Apologizing, when you don't feel you should, just adds to your pentup anger! Remove yourself from the "battle", until both have had time to calm down and can discuss the issue more rationally.
A husband look at a disagreement in a totally different view than the wife. He, often, takes any disagreement from the wife, as a blow to his manhood and masculinity, blows steam, then, retreats into his quiet shell, refusing to discuss it. When both parties take time to cool off, then it is a good time when he is sitting on the sofa, to take him by the hands lovingly, insist he look you directly in the eyes as you speak, and say, "Honey, I love you, and I need you to listen to me. Hear me out, and whether you agree with me or not, I will still love you. Let's agree to disagree, o.k.?
Then, Alice, just do what you wanted to do in the first place! (LOL) Forget about controling situations, or even thinking about who's right or wrong! Such misspent energy, my dear!
Hugs,
Angel

There are two ways to argue, constructively and destructively. Sometimes it is very hard to tell the difference. My husband and I had to make rules on how to fight fair. Evan now after 21 years of marriage we don't get it right! Some rules are, never fight when tired or right before bed. No cheap shots, they are disrespectful and usually not true. Pick your battles,stinky boots in the bedroom maybe gross but nobody died from it (yet). On the other hand money matters are but they need to be discussed not argued over.Most important thing of all is keep a sense of humor. There are things I look back on now that were dire then and now it's kinda funny. Keep your chin up, be patient with each other,remember its said that marriage is made in heaven but so is thunder and lightening.:)

2 comments

by justonlyme 02 Nov 2011

I have never heard the saying about marriage made in heaven, but so is thunder and lightening. I should put that on a wall hanging for my newlywed daughter. Did you make it up?

by marietta 03 Nov 2011

I have used this saying often too, so I do think it gets used often over the world. Ha,ha, I agree with your thunder and lightning too.

The most stressful event in everyones' life has been proven to be 1st- Buying/moving house; 2nd is Christmas; 3rd is, well I don't remember what was third, probably buying a car or getting married.

Anyway, I have to tell you I have moved over 20 times and being aware of the stress it can cause I tend to try and be more lay back whenever I move house now. This probably doesn't help you much but we bought our house over 12 months ago and Ray STILL isn't living in it. I started living here in July, with my three cats, my dog and Ray's mother while Ray is still living at his house in Penrith and coming up here for weekends. I can tell you this has been the worst house move I have EVER done and my patience is wearing really, really thin now.

All we can do is bite our tongue and avoid the arguments as if they carried the plague.

I hope things will improve for you soon because life is far too short to be unhappy.
hugs and roses, Meganne

1 comment

by justonlyme 02 Nov 2011

Please tell me how you manage to move so often. I would move about once every three years if I could and did before getting married. Now my feet are nailed to the floor and my husband swears he plans on dying in our house of 25 years.

Alice - both of you are probably exhausted after the move. Just try and relax a bit and take it easy. My DH always says "Rome was not built in a day". Moving is very stressful. Everything will be fine in a few days. I have been married to my DH for 20 years and we have never had an argument. It is so difficult to argue with someone who just smiles at you when you are angry!!!

So sorry you are struggling with discord! My husband and I usually get on like a house on fire, but when we argue it can get really ugly. I decided a while ago to have a chat with him (when we were not arguing) and we decided that when things get rough, we will make a concerted effort to DISCUSS the problem and not FIGHT with the problem, "time out" which i used with my kids long ago seems to work for us now. Best of luck and I hope you iron your problems out quickly

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You have to know when to walk away from the situation and not to apologize. If my son and myself were arguing (and he knows I don't like to argue) I would tell him I'm provoked and he would disappear for a while and then it was over. You are going to have to figure out what will work for you to avoid apologizing for an action you might not have caused or have no control over. I think men have a different conscious than women have and it may not bother him to a point he takes it personally. Remember you just moved and the both of you are probably worn out. Hugs.

4 comments

by capoodle 28 Oct 2011

Americans use the word "whatever" as a single word phrase. You could tell him "whatever" and walk away not having to commit to an apology.

by fannyfurkin 28 Oct 2011

Whatever is seen as being disrespectful with us. It is a bit inflammatory. I phoned my priest today and he is going to get me some counselling numbers. I will be more comfortable with a catholic counsellor because divorce won't be there first advice. this has been a problem in the past when counsellors have suggested we separate instead of helping fix the problem. The thing is if I don't apologise things just stay really tense for days. it is the only way to stop the tension, but today I am really having a problem with letting go.

by kimi 06 Nov 2011

Yes, 'whatever' is the word we tend to use when we are trying to say we just don't care wheat the person is saying to us. Abusive relationships can be dangerous, and it isn't healthy to always concede, as this can lead the other to believe you just don't care. Words cannot be pushed back into one's mouth, and can be very hurtful, especially when spoken in anger. It may be better to say, honey, I love you, but I'm getting too angry to keep from saying things I don't mean. No one can give you exact advice, and you will have to find that middle road by focusing on your inner strength and staying calm. I have been in abusive relationships, and I am still a very strong, independent woman. I hope you find the help you need, and you and your husband can turn the bad energy into something possitive!

by elizabethak 20 Nov 2011

Alice, I don't want to give advice, only to pray for you and that you can "hang in there". It seems there are good times so there is every reason to keep going. Choose your counsellor wisely as sometimes they're only in it for the money. We are lucky in having a priest in our parish who is a qualified physcologist. Hang in there. Hugs Elizabeth