Well she's gone and I am deflated.

My eldest sister will be 90 next week. She has been in a nursing home for the past 10 years. She has dementia. Was put in the dementia wing of the home and has been going reasonablly well, although she does'nt know who we are. She has had several falls and a few weeks ago fell out of bed. She is now in a wheel chair full time, so what have they done at the home? Took her out of the dementia wing and back into the other part of the home. We feel she will not get the care now that she needs. She is left in the lounge with those who cannot take themselves back to their rooms. She can't ring a bell or call when she needs to go to the bathroom or wants a drink. It is just so sad and frustrating. I feel for her and her children and grand children as well as my brothers and sisters. And the sad thing is we can't do anything about it. Meganne I know what you are going through. Hugs and flowers, Shirley

2 comments

by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Shirley, WHY can't you do anything?
If MIL wasn't being cared for to our satisfaction we would move her to another facility, isn't that possible where you are? I am concerned for your sister, it doesn't seem right. Hugs n blessings, M

by shirley124 27 Jun 2012

No Meganne there is no other facility where she will close to her children and GC. They say the room was needed for someone who needed it and as she was in a wheel chair she was the one to be moved out. I will see her on Friday for her birthday. My 2 other sisters will be travelling from the coast so we will see how things are and take it from there, thanks for caring. Hugs and blessings to you and your MIL. Shirley

It was a hard thing to do but the best thing for all of you. Your MIL will be cared for & have everything done for her. You need to rest & enjoy your time with Ray now. My MIL felt the same as you after putting FIL into resptie & then full time care, due to having Dementia. Getting old isn't much fun. Take care & God bless.

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Chris, I think it will be a long time before I can feel good about it because I have cared for her for so long. I have to remember this is only for 5 weeks & despite what Ray and his daughter think, I have to believe she will be OK. hugs n blessings, M

I am so sorry this is so hard.
Big hugs and prayers Bev

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Bev, I seem to be torn in two right now and when we visited her today she wanted to come home. This so much harder than I would ever have believed it would be. hugs n blessings, M

You have made the right choice, but it is a hard choice. I too have been through this and understand your pain. Prayers and hugs

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Terri, it certainly is more gut wrenching than I expected it to be.
hugs n blessings, M

I will be keeping you and your MIL in my prayers! I do know the hard place you are in right now. But....God is there; He will sustain all of you. Trust Him; He is the all in all! I know this one too!! God Bless and many Hugs, ro

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Ro, I understand the rock and the hard place now more than I ever did.
I am sure HE will watch over her.
Hugs n blessings, M

She is OK, and you need to take extra care of yourself, because we are all guilt built, so be good to you, be aware of you and take care of YOU! hugs! Live Laugh Download Stitch!

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Christine, she's been with us so long it is going to be difficult putting us first, but it's only five weeks so we will make the most of it once the reality set in. hugs n blessings, m

Lots of love and very big hugs.
Helen

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Helen, we all have our heartaches don't we. hugs n blessings, M

Meganne, I am crying with you. I wish I could really help and sometimes life is NOT fair. Sending a really BIG HUG. DeVon

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks DeVon, I didn't expect to feel so torn apart, guess I have a heart after all. :-) hugs n blessings, m

Dear Meganne, just to say I think of you and Ray and to send you a packet full of stars, to brighten your night, lots of hugs and roses to ease the pain. Be at peace within yourself knowing that you did everything for her with a loving heart. God bless you and Ray as well as you dear MIL and the staff caring for her.******

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Susie, 3 days later & I am adjusting to her not being here. When we visited her today she looked wonderful so I know she is being looked after & I accept it is time for a decent break, if not a permanent one.
hugs n blessings, M

Dear Meganne .......................
I have no words to give you comfort.
My thoughts are with you tonight.
Much love,
Alma.

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thanks Alma, it is now 3 days later and I am coping much better knowing she is being well looked after. hugs n love, m

Meg, dear - I do understand - I went through this too. Just do what you have to do - her quality of life will be fine - the reality of it all is - you did this for her & for you and Ray - take care of you - do whatever it takes to get on with your life - she will be cared for - don't play into the poor me part of this - I have tears running down my face - trying to be strong and tell you what I believe you need more than anything else - is is never easy to see what they go through - when it comes to sort of thing - but to be honest with yourself - that she is where she needs to be for the care that she needs to get. I will be praying for you, your MIL and for Ray. Let me know if there is anything that I can do - to help you get through this - there has been enough time pass - that I believe I could walk through this with you. Love!

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Oh Shirlene, if only her first words, today, weren't to ask if we had come to take her home... we know she has no real concept of time as she thinks she has been there for a 'long' time and the Alzheimers has worsened in just 3 days. I know it is time for more than just respite care and it saddens me to face up to what is to come. I have been through it before but I have never been the carer having to make the decision to let go, until now. Thank you for your support, I know your pain is still raw. hugs and love, M

by meganne 22 Jun 2012

for more than just respite care and it saddens me to face up to what is to come. I have been through it before but I have never been the carer having to make the decision to let go, until now. Thank you for your support, I know your pain is still raw. hugs and love, M

by meganne 22 Jun 2012

hugs and love, M

Life is so difficult to understand. I feel for you all. *** :)

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thank you, this is the most difficult thing I think I have ever had to do, I swear I don't want to ever put my children through this. hugs n blessings, m

It's like taking you child to daycare or the first day of school and having to leave them. The facility sounds like it has a lot of senior oriented activities and she may enjoy being there with the other seniors. Hope you can find some normal in your day to where your not constantly thinking about her. Don't hesitate to call and ask how she is getting along.

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

You can say that again and she keeps asking to come home now, just like my sons both did when they started school.
The facility is lovely and if we could get her in there permanently it would not be a bad thing. hugs n blessings, m

My dear, dear Meganne! I know you can't help but worry, but she is where she will be given very good care, where people undertand Alzheimer's and can cope with it probably better than you can. Alzheimer's is a devil of a disease, and it will only get worse. Many years ago a friend had to put her mother in a home because she just couldn't cope any longer with her at her home; it had become downright dangerous for her mother! If she was not watched literally every minute, she'd get into trouble. Several times she took her medicine twice or three times because she said Marion 'forgot' to give it to her (but unbelievably she was still with it enough to find where Marion had hidden it). One time, when Marion went to the basement to put in a load of wash, all of 15 minutes, the neghbours came over with mom in tow; she had gone to the mailbox in just her bra and panties on a rather crisp fall day. Meganne, I KNOW it hurts terribly, but hard as it is, you're the one that hurts, and Ray, but not Mum. The blessing of Alzheimer's is that they live so much in their own world they usually are pretty satisfied with whatever happens. They truly can't remember wanting things to be different, they can't feel 'abandoned' by their children because half the time they don't even remember you exist, sometimes even when you're there beside them, as you found out. Beloved friend, please don't make yourself suffer what she is NOT suffering. You have nothing to be guilty about, you are not God that you could have fixed this, or prevented it from happening. It's so very hard to see loved ones fail like this, especially when it's not the first time, it brings back the hurt of all the other times, I know. But for her, it's truly better to have 24 hour care, and for her to be safe, and for you to know she's safe & cared for. It's still hard, no doubt, but I think better than watching her waste away in a hospital bed from cancer or one of the other incurable, painful diseases our older ones sometimes get. I visited my mother in the hospital 25 miles away every day for a year, watching them cut away more and more of her body, until she finally died. I don't recommend the experience. Nothing I could do about that kind of suffering. Your dear MIL is not suffering like that; please don't take more suffering upon yourself, I think you've had enough, and more than enough. Let be, relax, get a good massage, have a glass of wine, have a good cry. Life is not fair. Guilt & regret won't make it any fairer. Just live each day to your fullest, with all the joy you can muster, and be at peace with this decision. We love you, Marji

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by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Thank you Marji, as always you have the right words to soothe and comfort and I understand the truth in all you have said.
I will take it all on board and enjoy the next 5 weeks. What happens after that is beyond my control but I know I have done the very best I could for her. Hugs and love, Meg

by meganne 22 Jun 2012

very best I could to care for her, so I know I shouldn't feel guilty. Whatever happens now is out of my control, not that it was ever in it. :-)
Thank you dear friend. Hugs and love, m

Meganne stop blaming yourself! There is a limit to what we can cope with and you have reached it, You earn a rest and your MIL is well cared for. It is always hard to make these decisions but if you became ill because you overdid it the situation would be much worse. Think for a few days about yourself, you deserve that!

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by meganne 19 Jun 2012

Thanks Lique, it was just difficult because she used to be such a sweetheart and it's still there inside her somewhere.
I am feeling despondent over the cruelty of life that it takes our minds from us before our bodies are ready to go. I hate visiting nursing homes and seeing what we are reduced to. Hugs n thanks Meg

by meganne 19 Jun 2012

nursing homes and seeing what we are reduced to, it is tragic and deeply affects me. Hugs n thanks Meg

by lique 19 Jun 2012

I understand. My MIL has had several braintumors removed and she is a changed person. She is physically still very active but has lost a lot of her speech and her charachter has changed. She is not the same person who I met 30 years ago.

by meganne 22 Jun 2012

Life can be so cruel when it hurts the ones we love and we are powerless to do anything. I will pray for your MIL.
hugs n blessings, M

I am so sorry to hear this Meganne, she has the easy part, you are the one who will have the memories to either help get you through or keep you sad. As you said, you knew this was coming and you will have to adjust, it is going to be very hard for you. Remember there are all these cuties out here when you need a cyber hug or shoulder to cry on. We all love you. Try not to worry about the things you can not change. Hugs, Debra

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by meganne 19 Jun 2012

Thanks Debra, facing the realities of life is never easy, as you & I both know only too well!!!
I seem to have been through this too many times already, with my Mum & Dad, two MIL's & 2 FIL's (their husbands). Sometimes I wish I DID have a heart of stone. Hugs & love dear one, Meg

by meganne 19 Jun 2012

stone. :-(
Hugs and love dear one, you are always in my prayers. Meg

Oh Meg. Just a big big hug from me.

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by meganne 19 Jun 2012

Thank you. I just wish Ray hadn't gone to work tonight, I wasn't prepared for this break down but I should have known it would hit me once it finally happened.
It seems I'm not the iron lady with a stone heart after all. many thanks, Meg

I agree with Marie, phone and reassure yourself, I don't think they will mind at all.
Hugs, Lidia

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by meganne 19 Jun 2012

Thanks Lidia, I did phone them and put details in my answer to Marie. Hugs and thanks, Meg

Oh megs- i read this through tears welling up- so heartbreaking- phone and reassure yourself :)
BIG HUGS
Marie

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by meganne 19 Jun 2012

Thanks Marie, I did phone them and they assured me she was ok. She had eaten all her dinner then she sat and watched television with some of the other ladies in the tv room, then they had supper and she went to bed around 10 o'clock, so while I was sobbing my heart out she was sleeping soundly.
I phoned Ray at work and felt better after I spoke with him.
I've stopped crying now and I've been cleaning the house, it always makes me feel better to keep busy.

by meganne 19 Jun 2012

sobbing my heart out she was sleeping soundly.
I phoned Ray at work and felt better after I spoke with him.
I've stopped crying now and I've been cleaning the house, it always makes me feel better to keep busy.
Hugs n thanks, Meg

by nannynorfolk 19 Jun 2012

So pleased to hear that :) now youknow she's settled in, enjoy your time with Ray
:) hugs 4 u both xx