We went to see Ray's mum in the nursing home today, she was sent there from the hospital on Monday, for nine weeks respite care, after her dementia deteriorated when she had a hernia operation.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your Mil is being looked after by people who know how to look after her & they get to have home time away from it all. It is too much on you both to continue to care for her. Visit her when you can - she may not always know who you are but you know who she is! I used to work in an aged care hostel & so many residents never had any visitors. My FIL is in a hostel too with Dementia...we just lost my MIL on the 25th January, she was in her own independent flat. She put her self through rough times when she had to put Fil into care but realized it was for the best for his care & her own health. Sending prayers for you both.

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by meganne 08 Feb 2014

Thanks Chris. I have to admit I was stunned to see some of the staff leaving after their shifts and they were all so cheerful, laughing and joking while Ray and I were in a pit of despair.
It really brought it home to me how deeply we were being affected by having looked after her without help for so long.

Please accept my condolences on your loss.
Hugs n blessings, Meganne

by christracey 09 Feb 2014

Thanks for your condolences Meganne. It wasn't very often that I got to leave work at the hostel being cheerful & happy...I was often so tired from the day's work. I think this is why it is so hard on the people that have full time care of their family/loved ones. They do need a break for their own health.

Meganne I am trying to remember exactly what a friend said about her mothers care after her father had died. It was along the lines of I have to make sure that my mother receives excellent care but I don't have to be the carer. You have been a excellent carer over the years and it is not failure that you pass care onto others. You and Ray have a life too and I am sure if you had talked to your mil year ago about this current situation she would have agreed with your current choice. Sit down at that lovely new table and have a coffee/tea and relax

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by meganne 07 Feb 2014

Thank you so much, I will do just that, I promise.

Meganne take a deep breath, you have done more than a lot of people do for their families. A lot of good advise and words of comfort have been given here to both you and your husband it is a hard and trying time, remember you have a lot of good friends here with large shoulder to help you and a really big box of tissues.. marian

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by meganne 07 Feb 2014

Thank you Marian.

Dear Meg, I will send you an e mail later today. Hugs Sarah

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by meganne 07 Feb 2014

Thanks Sarah, I will reply to your email shortly as I have read it.
hugs n love, Meg

It's just so sad and there is really no escape. All you can do is trust that God will send the help that she needs and also give you peace.

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by meganne 07 Feb 2014

Thanks Jerrilyn, I have to trust that God helps those who help themselves and maybe He already has, when he sent that particular District Nurse who got this whole Back to hospital-Nursing Home episode rolling. Hugs n love, Meg

I have been in your shoes...... My dad had to be there for years. He was 6'2 and 300 pounds and could not walk or stand...... I had to stay on top of them to take care of him. Best of luck keep you in my prayers. DeVon

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by meganne 07 Feb 2014

Thanks DeVon it is so sad that, all too often, our lives have to come to this end. Hugs n love, Meg

I have read all the post with interest because I too am going thru this. My 90 yo mother lives with me. 11 years ago after 2 heart attacks I sold both of our houses and bought one that would work for the two of us. Little did I know how much of my life I was giving up. I know that sounds terrible. I did not know how hard it would be. I love her with all my heart but some times I just have to run away for a few days to keep my own health. DO NOT feel guilty. I know what you went thru and How lucky she was to have you in her life. Do not dwell, it is time to take care of yourself and enjoy your family. Time just fly's by too fast. Go live your life. Hugs Joanne

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by jrob 05 Feb 2014

Joanne, from someone who has been there, I hope you are listening to what you are saying.

by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you Joanne. I understand completely about not realising how much of our own lives we have to sacrifice and how hard it gets and no, it is not terrible admitting to thinking or feeling this way. Although, sometimes I hate myself when I have feelings of resentment towards my MIL, but then my analytical self reasons that it is completely understandable under the circumstances.
We woman choose to be mothers but it is really not a choice when we have to be mothers to our parents.
I will keep you in my prayers, you are a true champion. hugs n blessings, Meganne

Meganne, Thank you for asking this question and, a special thank you to all those who answered below. This disease is so dreadful and it is hard to understand why science has not found a cure. I admire you even though I know you not. I admire the women who have given you such great counsel. Compassion and charity abound in you all. The advice given helps me to understand a little better what a dear friend is going through with her husband. May the Lord be with you

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you for replying also. I went through this with my first MIL although I was not responsible for her care, but I did love her dearly and we were extremely close, so watching her deteriorate hurt more than I can say.
Now, 20 years later, even though I know what to expect, it has been more draining than I ever imagined it would be.
Dementia and Altzheimers are the most degrading and demoralising of diseases and no one should have to face the threat of ending their lives in this insidious condition. If only someone could find a cure or preventative, I believe it would be the greatest gift to mankind, even greater than finding a cure for cancer, which can at least, often times, be treated or removed if caught early enough. Losing one's mental faculties, the ability to perform even the most mundane of daily activities, not even knowing when to eat or sleep or get dressed or undressed, losing control of bodily functions and not even KNOWING about it, is the most degrading and demoralising thing I know of and worst of all is being a loved one, family or friend, watching it happen and knowing there is nothing you can do, nothing that can stop the downward spiral once it starts. We should all be praying for a cure, for sure. Hugs and blessings, Meganne

you have some terrific comments here my friend please take comfort in the words below! Much hugs Loralye

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thanks Loralye

Go often and visit with her and don't feel guilty about having to leave her in the care of others. They forget everything and may not always remember who you are. It is more difficult for us to see our loved ones like that. The 24 hour staff can keep them safer without the sleepless nights and stress of being a constant one or two person caregiver. Hope you can find peace in knowing you have made the right decision on her care.

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thanks so much, I think it will take time to come to terms with it all. Hugs n love, Meganne

Pleas know that many are offering up prayers to help you cope with all you are going through right now. Blessings on you.

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you hugs, Meganne

You have done what God has asked of you both which was care for her .Now let the next faze begin and try to just be thank-ful you could do as much as u did .Now its others turn .God bless you both big hugs Carolyn

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you Carolyn and for my favourite picture too.

Meganne, my daughter is a speech pathlogist in a rehab/nursing home in Ala. Many of her patients have dementia, etc. She loves her patients as anyone who works in these situations have to do...do not feel guilty! A few things she has said she often would like to tell the family: please come see them even though they won't remember you were there; please don't continue to remind them of sad events (as the passing of someone when they ask how they are, just say they are fine) because each time they are told they grieve again; and remember each day (& sometimes each hour) is new to them, again. As my mother always said "Might as well laugh as cry." If it's possible for you to smile with her, laugh with her...do so. But the most important thing to remember is what the messages below have said...visit with no regrets, you & Ray have done all you are able to do & now someone else will be helping you. Doesn't mean you have just left her..you haven't! I can assure you, we as humans will always find something to regret when she's gone, but you shouldn't. (Yeah, I regretting not reading my mom's Sun. School lesson to her when her eyes were failing.) Will be remembering you & Ray in my prayers. Love & prayers to you from around the world.

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you Gerry. Life is never easy, but having wise friends to support us when we cannot think for ourselves, sure makes everything more bearable. Hugs n love, Meganne

First off may I say if I'm not suppose to be here, please forgive the intrusion. I felt compelled to right this...

I am relatively new to this group and have never posted before. Secondly, I am just coming off taking care of my mom, with dementia, it will be 1 yr ago Feb 21st, that she passed. The details aren't important; suffice it to say they aren't unlike yours or anyone's at this time.
I would like to share with you what a very caring Dr. told me when I had to place her in Hospice care straight from the hospital.
He commended me for taking care of her as long as I did.
Thanked me for attempting that care and was surprised at how long I was able to do so without a break or any outside help.
The most important words he left me with were these...
'YOU tried, YOU did the absolute best YOU could, under the circumstances. It is now time for you to step back, take some very deep breathes and go back to becoming the daughter.'
The guilt almost destroyed me...but that is basically from the NON CARE we give to ourselves during this very difficult time. If you are tired, wore out, weepy, cranky...whatever, it is all part and parcel of this responsibility you and your husband had assumed. I stayed with her until the end, and found peace in turning the entire issue over to a HIGHER Being. It's taken me the better part of this year (2013-2014) to come to terms with all the issues...but it has made me stronger, better and more determined to progress.
One last thought, don't be afraid to go and visit her, it will get easier and please try and remember her for the beautiful person she was and still is...hidden under this awful disease. She is still that woman...who raised the wonderful husband you have and both share...for that reason alone, love will see y'all through this trying ordeal. Find comfort in doing the little things for her now, somewhere inside her tortured soul she knows and understands. Thank you for letting me share and hope this is some help to you.

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by cherylgauteng 05 Feb 2014

Very well put. I have worked as a Nursing Sister in one of these homes and what you are saying is so true - it is the short reminders of what you are and what they were that seem to stay in their minds and they will speak about this, sometimes - days and weeks later, when you least expect it.

by pldc 05 Feb 2014

wow welcome to cute & this is incredibly well said! I pray that Meg takes comfort from your words. Hugs Loralye

by PatriciaVosloo 06 Feb 2014

Hi Leaha what a true comfort your words will be to many others who have been, or still are, in similar circumstances. Be blessed. Patricia

by meganne edited 06 Feb 2014

Thank you dear Leaha, for sharing your heartache ­and your wisdom with me and all the other Cuties ­who will read your compassionate message. You are definitely not intruding and indeed you ­are most welcome.
We females share a­special bond, though strangers, we are not­ strangers for long as another friendship is­ started that will last a whole life long.
I­ had never even considered the self care aspect in ­all this and yes, I am angry, weepy, tired, (worn­out in fact), and so damnable unhappy, I feel as ­though I am unbearable to live with.
It was ­so wonderful the week MIL was in hospital, she had­come through the surgery with flying colours and ­she was being cared for, I had actually started ­listening to music again and even found myself­ singing along. Then the coming home, or nursing­home issue came back and the sky fell in again.
Thank you for helping me to see more clearly,­ that I am NOT superwoman after all.
You know­ we share another bond in the date of February 21st as it ­is the date Ray and I first met and on that same­date, five years later we were married. This year ­I will say a prayer for you when that day ­comes.
Hugs and blessings and sincere thanks­ for your very wise words. Meganne

by Leaha 06 Feb 2014

Thanks to all of you for sending kind and caring words in my direction, know that I need them right now and they are appreciated.

For the rest of you still involved in the Caregiver Role...remember you are not alone, this time is a challenge and an opportunity to learn and grow. All of life is a journey...it's how we handle it and what we choose to do that gets us through. Most days with dementia and full blown Alzheimer's the caregiver is squashed. It's truly hard to look at life during this time objectively as you are inundated inside a forest, blocked on all sides by insurmountable trees, (should haves, would haves, could haves) underbrush and entanglements (your own emotions).
Please if you take nothing else away from these words...turn yourself and the situation over to God, for He is perfect and will handle it for you...if you will just let
let go of the strangle hold you have on it. That is truly the hardest part and the most rewarding...for He alone knows and sees your pain and is more than willing to take it on Himself and help you carry it. He gave me the last night with my Mom, I was able to sit beside her, held her hand and tell her everything I felt she needed to hear from me. At some point in the rather lopsided conversation she turned her head towards me squeezed my hand and smiled in my direction. That night gave me peace and calm...it didn't lesson the pain or the human emotions or the rest of the hardships involving the next steps in the journey, it just taught me that we never walk alone.

Hi Meganne, Bless you for having a heart. I hope future generations carry on that aspect of humanity. We say the kids these days are a different sort with technology. Technology can't hold your hand, or tell you that everything will be OK, and the world is spinning as it should. You are and have been there for your family your entire life, and you are still there. I hope her condition continues to improve and she can return home, as so many families lose their elderly loved ones in their fragile condition. In the meanwhile it would behoove you to live life to its fullest and enjoy this time to refresh yourself, and whatever else you would like... Hugs and smiles.

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thanks Christine.

Dearest Meg,
You have already received the best possible advice and support from your good friends here and so I will not complicate matters other than to say that: "This is now the right time to concentrate your decisions upon what is right and best for you and your husband. Through that process alone will Ray's mum be at peace with herself, supported by your love and the professional care she will receive in the nursing home.

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by meganne 06 Feb 2014

Thank you Dennis.

Hi Meg,
I do not like discussing private family things on a public forum but I would like to bring you up to date about my mom (and step dad). Remember about 20 months ago I mentioned placing my parents in an old age home after them living with us for 8 years. It was a very difficult decision, but we went through with our decision. Mom also suffered from dementia, is a diabetic, high blood pressure sufferer and refuses to bath and eat at table. Food had to be brought to the room and then they would toss the food out into the trashcan and tell all who would listen that they do not get fed.
Well they ended up in the home and that was absolutely difficult for me to accept. The first few weeks I never visited them I felt too guilty.... Later on my visits were more frequent and she looked forward to them but I learned not to make definite dates to visit as that was all she lived for. If I said Monday and could not be there that day she would go ballistic, so I would pop in whenever I could. Later on her health started deteriorating badly. She is 85 years old. She also decided to stop eating. She lost an insane amount of weight, her muscles also started giving in. They (the staff) realized there was something fishy going on about her eating habits and only at that stage started feeding her. She was very difficult eater. In a matter of three weeks she lost the ability to use her hands or legs. She had a few severe falls and on occasion landed up in hospital as a result of falling. They had to carry her to the comode two steps away from her bed and had to help her do all her personal toiletries. At this stage she had dysentry as well. You can imagine the mess. Well, she ended up in sickbay. At this stage she is only a skeleton covered in skin. She looks terrible. She is now in a 'cot' bed so that she cannot climb out and hurt herself. She gets pushed around in a wheelchair, gets fed, drinks through a straw if someone hold the glass, or just lies in bed on her side and that's it. Cannot talk as she has also lost her voice. Now the reason I am telling you all this is that I also feel guilty for leaving her there, but I have realized SHE IS IN THE BEST PLACE. I cannot do what they are trained to do. To me she looks terrible, to them she is 'normal'. They know how to treat her. I don't even know how to move her. I still have this terrible feeling that I am deserting her when I leave there. But it is not true. I am still coming to terms with the decision that she is better off there. It is very difficult BUT I HAVE TO DO IT. You also have the right to be on your own AND TO ENJOY IT. You have the right to have a normal life. No-one can point fingers and this decision for me was the right one, so I have learned.
Sorry about the long post I did not intend to write a book but I spoke from the heart. Hope this helps you as I also feel better myself for putting it down in writing (therapy).
Love Shirley

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by meganne 05 Feb 2014

Thank you so much for sharing this with me Shirley, I appreciate how difficult and heart wrenching it must have been for you to write and I really do appreciate it. I will keep your words close to me and repeat them whenever I need reminding, to give me the strength, to continue on the path of doing what IS BEST FOR HER.
Thank you so much and may you also find some peace. Hugs and blessings, Meganne

by yvonnevanwerkhoven 05 Feb 2014

Shirleys words are so true...we are not trained to look after these elderly and do deserve time for ourself.

Dear Meg,

Now listen here, I've known you and Ray for a few years now and cannot commend you highly enough on the feeding, care, love and concern you have given to Dulcie. Without your help over the past 8 years Dulcie would not have lasted this long. Being an outsider I can see how hard it's been for you and I see first-hand whenever I visit you guys how tough it is and has been for you. You have been more of a daughter than a daughter-in-law and I'd be very happy if I got that sort of assistance if it was me in that situation.

Do not feel guilty Meg, as Dulcie is in her own little world now and would no doubt be oblivious to what is going on around her. Do not despair about the situation as you have done everything possible to help this lady live out her long life with dignity. I'm sure a lot of women would not have done what you have done and I know Ray thinks the world of you for looking after her. I know what you have been feeling from our conversations and I just think you are an amazing woman and your compassion knows no bounds. I so admire your perseverance with such a difficult situation.

Looking forward to our day together on Friday. Loving thoughts, prayers and hugs and cuddles being sent to you both, Chris

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by meganne 05 Feb 2014

Oh dear, more tears now, but of a different kind. Thank you dear friend, I am overcome by your beautiful words.
Sadly, today she knew who we were and kept asking if we had come to take her home but then she changed to saying she wanted to kick the bucket and she didn't want to eat dinner and then she was gone again, it was terrible.
To make matters worse the crematorium brought Lady home today so I haven't been able to stop crying.
I'm looking forward to Friday but I'll ring you tomorrow about that. hugs n love, me

by rescuer 05 Feb 2014

Please remember not only are they trained to help her -- the workers get to go home and relax after a long day of caring for her. They get days off so they can come back fresh and ready to care for all her needs.
Your life with your husband is important to her and somewhere deep inside her mind she knows it and would want you to enjoy life with her son. Perhaps that is why she became upset and wanted to die. For that moment she may have seen the hurt in your eyes. She may have suddenly realized the effort you put into to her daily care.

Although I can't relate personally, I know many who have lived through this and it was very hard to let go. Reason with the fact that she is better off there for health and safety issues. I can still see my husband's face of despair the first time we visited his mother in the senior home. Her surroundings were scary (her mind was fine but many others not so). He was disturbed by it. She is gone now but she managed quite well and was taken great care of in her last years.
You deserve to live a peaceful, serene life as well with your husband and you have to remember that she (in her state) is not aware that you are not there.
Prayers for you both as you cope with this.
hugs
Michelle

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by meganne 05 Feb 2014

Thanks Michelle. This is my second MIL to get Altzheimers and it is no easier the second time around even knowing, and being prepared, for what is coming. I think Altzheimers has to be the most degrading of all diseases.
hugs n roses, Meg

Sorry, I have no experience with this. They only thing I can do is give you a hug, I know you did the best you could.

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by meganne 05 Feb 2014

Thanks Gerry, I think this is a no win situation where the best anyone can do will never be good enough (to them) in the end.
Hugs n love, Meg

I know how you feel....my 90 year old mother is also in an institution and I feel so guilty for leaving her there, but also know that I cannot take care of her like they do.She too suffers from dementia

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by meganne 05 Feb 2014

Thanks Yvonne, it is so difficult isn't it but what is the alternative?
Hugs n roses, Meganne