My dear, loving Cutie friends, I am up in the middle of the night, which I'm sure I'll be doing lots now. I couldn't sleep, and was thinking of Ben and remembering him singing, "What a Wonderful World" in my mind.
I came here and reread all your dear messages. It has just been 17 days now and we are really missing our Benny. I just wish my mind could relax, it seems to always be racing around and it won't stop enough to get rest. Is that the grieving, or is that just my crazy brain?We still need lots of prayers. Willie went to work yesterday and it was tough for me being here alone, and for him going and also he is in pain. He hurt his back attempting to save Ben - he had to lift him off of the floor to do the Heimlich method and it messed up his spine and muscles. He can walk, and sit, but he's in pain. Everyone wanted to give him warm, strong hugs.....
I had friends stop by, so I wasn't alone all day. I am finding Ben's room gives me some comfort as I feel close to him with all his favorite toys in there.
But, we sure need prayer. At times I feel like my heart might just break.
This picture is of Ben's bed now, and of course Poppy had to get in the picture.
I love you all and appreciate all your kind, kind messages. Jan, Benny's Mom
59631
Thank you for your prayers, it's getting harder now. I made the mistake of looking to see how Ben was doing in the back seat while I was driving. And, of course he wasn't there. I cried for three hours. It is just too sad. I know this is going to happen. Is there a limit to the amount of tears we cry for a lost children?
4 comments
by sewilso
11 Jun 2014
No, there is no limit, he was your everything. I am so sorry you are going through this, it will get better in time, his absence is great but you have to remember he is with you in your heart and spirit. Always, that will never change, he's in a happy place, no worries, no pain. He will always be there with you spiritually. Please keep faith and find comfort for he doesn't want you to be sad, he wants you to be happy, he's in a better place. Sending hugs and prayers. Sharon
by pennifold
11 Jun 2014
Dear Jan,
Just remember that beautiful passage from Revelation 21:4 " And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." I feel for your grief and I know how sad it is for all of you. Loving thoughts being sent across the miles, love Chris
by marjialexa
11 Jun 2014
No, Jan, there is no limit to the tears, unfortunately, and the whole first year will be the hardest, because it will be full of "first" holidays, birthdays, etc. without Ben. And those moments of forgetting, like you just had, then remembering, crash into you like a sledge hammer all over again. It will just be a long haul, with ups and downs. Some days more downs, enough to almost drown you. Faith may sustain you, keep you from going totally crazy, but won't keep you from hurting. Listen to these women of faith, they have wiser words than I when it comes to that. I just remember the Psalm says "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Thou art with me..." It's THROUGH the valley, as much as all of us could wish it were around it, past it, over it, you just have to go through it, and come out the other side. Best biggest hugs from Marji, still crying her eyes out over you and Ben.
by katmug
12 Jun 2014
Oh Hang in beautiful lady !!!!!!!!!!!! :'( My heart still breaks for you BUT you are an AMAZING woman and I can almost feel the hugs your beautiful boy is sending you !!! Of course it will take time but Ben will ALWAYS ALWAYS be a big part of your amazingly generous life ! The love you have for each other (and the rest of your family and friends) will ALWAYS live !!!! BIG BIG B I G hugs for you !!!
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23577Poppy is just telling you that Ben is happy with our Heavenly Father. May His love and grace see you through this very tragic time. XOXOXO
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
We do feel God's love and grace, and are blessed that we are the ones feeling the grief and not Ben.
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76409Dear Jan, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are and feel your pain. Wish I could give you a big hug. Remember I am here if you need me. Tell your DH Willie to take care and sending him a hug too. Devon
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
DeVon, I know you know pain.... I feel your hug and know you love us..... thank you dear friend
72397Oh Jan, I will keep you in my prayers. My heart feels 'heavy' for you and your family. I hope Willie will be much better VERY SOON! Oh how sweet that poppy wanted to be there too !!!
2 comments
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
Poppy is such a funny kitty, he always wants to be where we are...... thank you.
6190Lots of prayers going up for you tonight and every night!! Hugs and God Bless you and Willie and make Willie well. HUGSnLove((((ro))))
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85867Looking at Bens bed is a smile waiting to happen. Poppy knows where to feel the love too. We all send you our prayers, love and support. I can not even imagine how you must feel. I had a thought, I hope it won't upset you? What if you take some of Bens favorite shirts and make a cozy, comfort quilt with squares of his clothes? It will always smell like him and feel like him, and might give you comfort while you sew it too. Just a thought... Huge hug to you and your dear hubby. I am so very sorry for your pain...
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
Thanks for the idea, and that is what I am going to do, sometime. He had lots of Beatles T-shirts and I want to do that! You are sweet, and we do need those prayers.
13216"Hold on..Sunday's coming." After the darkest hours, there's always light coming. You're in your dark hours, but Christ's light will overcome them. Often I am awake very late & just can't sleep. I know there's someone I need to be praying for...so I start praying. You & your family will be on my mental list during waking hours. Know that you have many prayers covering you during this time. I'm glad you are remembering that Ben will not have to grieve the loss of his parents! What a blessing for BEN! Praying as I type.
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35675Dear Jan -- the animals know. Let them help you along this path. I believe that those that pass on are still with us in spirit for a time until we can get past the rough spots. So sit in his room and listen to him sing.
Prayers for you to find comfort and peace as well as much needed sleep! I am sure it will take some time before you adjust to sleeping through the night. You did not sleep for 26+ years. Give yourself the time you need. We are here for you. Hugs!
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
our parrot, Janey, who expresses feelings, asked, "What Kermit?" I think she was asking," Where is Ben?"
57675oh Jan .wish i could give you a real hugs but we both would only cry so i will ask the comforter to be there with you when you need him most hugsCarolyn
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360648Time is a blessing. We never know when our time will end, just always hold him dearly in your heart and love the time you were blessed together. Ben is in a better place, he will want you to put your mind at rest. When my Mom had passed I found much comfort in sewing clothes for my first granddaughter from her fabric stash. I knew she would be so elated to know I had put her old stash to good purpose. Was there a project of Ben's or a goal he wanted, you can complete for him or a memorial of sorts to make, maybe a small quilt wall hanging or something even simple like? I don't know, but please put your mind at rest. Someday if you have not already done so you will have him in your dreams and they will seem very real to you. Thanks for sharing your beautiful photo of his home sweet home. May God bless.
2 comments
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
We were able to donate his corneas and bone tissue and skin tissue. we heard the corneas were transplanted successfully. That was comforting...
by marjialexa
08 Jun 2014
Oh, Jan, I'm so pleased you were able to make organ donations! When my husband Richard died, it was under circumstances that made donation possible, and they were able to use many things, including his eyes. They were given to a grandfather in Philadelphia who had never been able to see his grandchildren before. What a gift! Just imagine what that lucky person will be able to see through Ben's eyes, and that part of him lives on and still gives joy every day to someone. After a year, the donor association offered to let me meet with all the people who had received Richard's organs if I wanted to, perhaps your donor association has such a plan. That would be just awesome, if you could do that. I pray for strength for you and Willie all the time, your loss was so unexpected. Lean on your friends, too, and talk about Ben. Some people get odd about speaking of those who have passed into that other life, but it IS another life, and he is still with you, just in a different way. I'm so so sorry that you lost the touch of his hand, and his smile...but he is NOT lost, not really. I wish I could give you a hug. M
23282I can not add anything to all the beautiful words I read here. I am glad you came here when you needed to express how you feel. All I can add is a that I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug.
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
07 Jun 2014
Cuties are my real friends, even though I have only met a few in person.
109774My prayers are still with you and your family. I know how hard the grieving process is. In time it will get easier, just hang in there and remember all the good times. Cyber hugs to you. Shirley
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52686Dear Jan, I realy wished I could hug you now, prayers are coming your way......
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743303Jan, I do not have so many words as all the others. But do know that I'm hugging you & your husband and all your friends in these hard times. Prayers for all of you. Linda
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148921Dear Jan, I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your son. I now some of the pain as I lost my Dad the past Oct from Cancer, but I have heard say that nothing compairs to losing a child. Please know that my prayers are with you and your husband during this time. I know that the Lord is with you during this time, trust in him and let him confort you during this time. Praying for you. Mechille
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7844I am sending you cyber hugs hourly/daily....Our greatest help is knowing one day we shall be with our family and friends again...walking with JESUS.Singing-eating-dancing around like children..Time does make things better if we allow it....Things never go back, but memories never leave either....Be sure to take the time for you and Willie to get to know each other again...Men do not show the hurting like women do...They try to be strong for us but are just as fragile...Go out to a place where you 2 can enjoy some space without running into others...you were given the gift of each other and blessed with Ben. Children are a gift from God...You raised your Ben to Love and Worship Jesus and that is the best gift you ever gave Him...There is no other gift a parent can give their child than this...I pray you and Willie will take time (soon) to go some place together and focus on your changed life together,,,It won't be long before the time comes when we will all see our loved ones that have gone before us. Lots of love is sent from this home to your home...Hugs deanna
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
I had such a hard afternoon, and I know it has to be hard for Willie at work. I can cry at home, but a man just doesn't cry at work. It's just sooo hard. Thanks for your caring
34246Ms Jan, my respect for you and your husband is enormous. You have done and are doing what no parent should ever have to do. You bought a beautiful life into the world and now you have released him back to his Maker. The human part says you want the child forever; while the spiritual part understands your Ben was only on loan. Every emotion you are traveling through is good and there for the simple reason to help you heal and cope. Disbelief, guilt, numbness, nonacceptance, pain and even anger. I can't pretend to know what you are going through; none of us who haven't walked in your shoes, can. Sitting in his room is okay, walking the same paths and trails Ben loved is even better. Outside you can communicate and reach out to natures healing. If he liked butterflies, squirrels, etc. everything you see that was special to your Ben is still there. Hold the things he loved and just cry if you need to. It might be cathartic and even help to make a journal, chronicling the journeys and paths your life took while you enjoyed Ben's earthly life. The loss of someone you love is handled individually, it's an internal process...GIVE yourself the one gift you can right now...time.
ASAP...always saying a prayer. Never alone, never forgotten...always loved. Bless your whole family, especially you and your husband, dear Lord, in thy name and as your will not as my will be done. Amen
a friend Leaha
1 comment
35301Wish I was there to put my arms around you each day, and tell you it will get better. One never gets over losing a loved one, but gradually reaches the point of adapting to life without them. That's not easy, but staying busy, keeping your mind focused on other things, may ease the grief process considerably. Walk, walk, walk, breathing deeply, and enjoying the beauty of nature, refreshes ones soul, and tires one physically for better rest at night.
Plan outings to be with others, so you do not seclude yourself from socializing. God still has great plans for you, Jan. All will fall into place for you "one day at a time", as each day becomes easier, guiding you to that "happy again" plateau in life!
I am always here for you, anytime, day or night, dear friend!
Love YOU so much!
Angel
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12500Have you heard about the stages of grieving? There are seven in all. Some of us go through them quickly, and others take quite a bit of time. What you are experiencing is very normal, and it sounds like you are handling it beautifully even if it doesn't feel like it. I have found the final phase, dealing with absence, is the most difficult for me. Your pain and suffering will ease over time, and there will come a point where you will think of something or hear/see/smell something that reminds you of him, and you will smile inside. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but it WILL happen. Hang in there, and continue to stay in touch with friends, family and DH. I wish you and your family the very best!
Deanna
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
Thanks, Deanna, I went through all of this with my sister passing away from melanoma in 1986. It comforts me knowing she is with Ben now.... I know I'm probably in shock now, but I am doing pretty well, I think....
16302Oh! my dear Jan I can feel your sorrow and heartache so much in these recent posts. I remember my Priest telling me to talk to and about your loved ones who have passed and I am sure you are doing that. Seventeen days is not long and you've been through such a traumatic time with his death, the travelling, the funeral and visitors etc. etc. Let everyone who is offering to help do so and ensure you and Willie are having some quality time together. I know your hearts are broken and I pray that you can feel God's presence surrounding you all. Please be assured of my thoughts and prayers for you - love and blessings Chris
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
Thank you, Chris, and Ben did touch the lives of sooo many it is unbelievable..
234500My Dear Friend Jan, I believe you are where you are supposed to be, and Ben is in your heart forever. You are blessed with more of him than anyone else in the world and that makes you special. I still grieve for my loved ones after 40 years. It comes in spurts and some may call it hormones. It is the time for remembering and feeling the love you have for another. It is the best part are us, the glue that binds us, and all we take with us when we leave. Ben has you and Willie with him and he always will, and he too feels that incredible love that God has given us. You are loved and blessed my friend. See you in July.
2 comments
173694Seventeen days is not a long time with grieving. You have every right to be sad, to wake up, and to cry. Be patient with yourself. You have not even had time to think about how do you fill all of these empty hours now. Do what feels right. If you and Poppy want to sit in Ben's room, then sit there. If you want to stitch, then stitch. But most of all remember the many happy hours and the special people you have met thanks to Ben. But always talk to us whenever you need to. This is one big family where there will always be someone to listen.
2 comments
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
I took an old pair of Ben's kermit pajamas and made a cover for the little box of ashes we kept with us. I love you all for knowing I'll need to stitch....
169064Give your grieving some time... It will get better. You are already remembering his songs and singing and that is a lovely memory. Prayers and hugs to you both. !! Hope hubby gets better soon too. Suzanne
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111382Jan, I am so sorry you have such a hard time of grieving and remembering. You were so involved in his life as he needed more help than other children do. I pray for you and Willie, that the pain may lessen, that you will be able to rest at night and that peace will reign in your hearts.
145304Jan, my prayers continue to include you and Willie. I read some beautiful articles in a magazine on the loss of loved ones and saw a quote in one that Joe Biden made in one of the articles after loosing his wife and 1 year old daughter. "The (then) Vice President told the survivors he understood the 'black hole you feel in your chest, like you're being sucked back into it.'
But he insisted that the grief would lessen over time, even if it never vanished completely.
'There will come a day, I promise you, and your parents, as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye,' he said.
'It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner or later. But the only thing I have more experience than you in is this: I'm telling you it will come.' He went on to say that it helped him to rate each day from 1 to 10 and said you may never have another 10, but you will eventually have a 5, so then you know you got there and can go there again someday.
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
What give us incredible joy and comfort is that we are grieving for him, and he will never have to grieve for us, or his grandparents or any more of his friends. We hadn't told him about the last two friends who had passed away. We are blessed to be able to do the grieving because he just would have been unable to handle more grief. It's one last thing we can do for him.
158717Jan, While I am reading of your dear son and his passing, I am filled with enormous respect and gratitude for your beautiful example of a loving mom and of Ben's dad's as well. I pray for your pain of loss and I know of your peace and hope for a future with Ben in the next life. Please accept my condolences. BJ
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
Thank you, BJ I keep forgetting that we WILL be seeing him again - Praise the Lord for that!
133Sending hugs and prayers to you and Willie...sooo very sorry...sooo very sad....
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318469Yes, being suddenly awake and not able to go back to sleep was a big part of my grieving. I could finally be "alone" with it. The thing that helped me was a sweet little old lady(widow) in my church, who I barely knew, said that nights are the worst and the most lonesome and she slipped me a paper with her name and phone number. Then she said, "I'm a night person and you can call me any time of night you need someone to talk with." I never called but I kept that piece of paper by my bed for a long, long time!
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66911I am so sorry for the lost of your son, Of course you and your husband are in my prayers, I wish I could take away all the pain and sorrow you are feeling. Your son was a true Blessing .
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6069Dearest Jan.......you are starting a new chapter now, so it is time for you and Willie to grieve and support each other and reach out to all resources that can help you in this process.....grieving for the loss of a child is the ultimate sorrow to endure, therefore do whatever helps you along the way...........your picture here speaks a thousand words! Loving hugs to you.........
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful husband... how could I ever do this without him.. Thanks Vicki
261163Hi,
When I lost my 2 foster kids I was totally devastated. I started doing my sewing and embroidery and knitting in their room, and it did help.
So spend as much time as you need in his room, hopefully it will help you, too. And I found talking about them a lot helped as well.
My prayers are still with you both during this very difficult time. God will grant you the strength to get through this.
1 comment
by hightechgrammy
05 Jun 2014
Benny's soul went to Heaven in his room. The angels came down and swooped him up from that very spot, so it is a very special place. Thank you for reminding me.
8037Jan, you must have been so close, and you must be a very special person,you were certainly picked by God for that reason, and even though it may seem at times like your heart may break, it will not because Ben is right there in your heart helping you through.
Hugs Pam.
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30988Jan thinking of you and Willie with positive thoughts. Have a cyber hug dear
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