Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter
(the dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader
43 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary
to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m.
Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes,
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC we ek-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee,
but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back,
and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT -!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth
is by laying the toothbrush on the counter,
and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK
as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered
other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning
and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whi ne
that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me
with her vampire-like teeth exposed,
as her thin, cruel lips
were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late -
it took me that long to tie my sh oes.
Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells.
When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom.
She sent another skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being
in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little witch.
If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain,
I would bea t her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the stupid barbells,
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off,
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message
on my answering machine
in her grating, shrilly voice,
wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her voice
made me want to smash the machine
with my planner;
however, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote,
and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up
for services today ~
so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my daughter
(the little brat) will choose a gift for me
that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!