122864✽
We have some great news, MIL is going into respite care for a whole five weeks starting next Tuesday. What a relief that will be, Ray and I sure do need a break and some time (alone) together.
Now we have to take her to the doctor for a thorough check up and I have to sew labels on all her clothes. sheesh! Even a holiday I have to pay for. hahahahahahahahaha!!!
I feel so elated, (at least until "the guilts" creep in again).
You would not believe how difficult they make it, trying to get someone into PERMANENT aged care.
The bond can range anywhere from $30,000 to $300,000 if they have any assets, including their house, which they have to sell to pay for it and of course MIL, Ray and I bought this house together, so we could have to mortgage it or sell it to pay the bond for a Permanent placement.
I have cracked up several times in the last couple of weeks as I so desperately need a break from the 24/7 responsibility of looking after someone who now has Dementia and Alzheimers.
The whole tragic thing is that it came on so suddenly.. it only started when we moved in here last July but she has deteriorated rapidly since then so all our plans of providing her a great life, in beautiful surroundings, have been devastated by her sudden decline.
So my tears are multiplied many times by the frustration, the disappointment, the red tape, just the whole gamut of feelings this situation causes.
I can't go downstairs because she thinks I have left her and starts traipsing through the house, doesn't matter how many times I have to come up and tell her I'm still here, she just doesn't remember.
Thankfully my digitising on my laptop helps me keep my sanity and now we will have a 5 week break, I wish I could really enjoy it without also feeling guilty.
Thanks for listening, sometimes it just helps to let it all out.
Comments (29)
173695✽
It is good to share the load so to speak. This time will give you a chance to complete or continue with your healing program also. Take good care of yourself... you have had a lot on your plate. Live Laugh Download Stitch!!
1 comment
Thanks Christine, it seems no matter how fast I chew my plate is still full. LOL!!!
Hugs, M
Hugs, M
211079✽
by
shirlener88
13 Jun 2012
+9✽
I am thrilled for you - repite care will be good for all of you. So very sorry for all the red tape and ealing with the situation of the house and everything - has to be hard - I remember when my Mother went into the nursing home and we had to sell everything she owned so she could go into the nursing home - so we did that - then we found out - after she was in the nursing home - that anything in her bank account then would be theirs - we could have disbursed some funds to each of the siblings - had we known that - prior to all of this - but we didn't know - so it all went for her care - then they allowed her to have $35 each month. Needless to say - it wasn't what we thought - but she had good quality care and become a little social butterfly and that is in fact what it was all about. Don't feel guilty - just do it for her care - for your sanity - they know how to care for her and they will.
2 comments
Thanks Shirlene. Over here, if you disbursed any (of her) money to family members they will make you get it all back and will even take you to Court to enforce it. At least we can have 63 days Respite care per year so that will give us a break when we need one until we can get some kind of permanent care
need one until we can get her in some kind of permanent care.
She has already outlived her mother and sister by 3 years and her brother by 33 years. So who says it doesn't pay to sit around and do nothing but crosswords for 30+ years?
She has already outlived her mother and sister by 3 years and her brother by 33 years. So who says it doesn't pay to sit around and do nothing but crosswords for 30+ years?
27028✽
by
cherylgauteng
13 Jun 2012
+8✽
Do NOT feel guilty ! She does not even know where she is and why should you feel guilt when all of her basic needs are covered 24/7 ? I worked in an OAH and a Govt. Mental Institution for quite a while and because I was qualified they placed me in the Sick Bay which had locked doors,etc. These poor people do not even recognise their own children when they visit. The guilt is only yours - they are not suffering at all. Enjoy the break instead.
1 comment
Thanks Cheryl. She isn't that far gone yet but she does have good and bad days and I certainly won't miss the arguments trying to get her to do the everyday things, like changing her clothes, etc.
I know she will be well cared for.
I know she will be well cared for.
234507✽
What fantastic news Meg. So pleased you and Ray will have some "our time" together. You will have to come up here for a day when you are free! Love Chris
2 comments
You can bet your life on it!!! And we'll be able to go shopping at the Craft Depot on the 29th without any worries.
I'll be able to just get up and leave the house ANY time!!!!!
And I'll be able to go downstairs and sew for as long as I like.
I'll be able to just get up and leave the house ANY time!!!!!
And I'll be able to go downstairs and sew for as long as I like.
Well deserved I think! Love Chris
9483✽
19823✽
Meganne DON'T feel guilty, you deserve it. She will be in good hands, hugs S*
1 comment
At least at the moment it is only for 5 weeks so we'll see how it goes. She may even enjoy having company her own age and they assure me they will get her to join in the group activities, so it will be good for her.
11877✽
by
bokkieborduur
13 Jun 2012
+5✽
Meganne, please relax and don't feel if you owe the world something. Sometimes you need the break just with the person that means the most for you and this is your hubby. I feel whatever came your way you and hubby can solve it. All my love Marie
1 comment
Thanks Marie, we've only had 11 months together without his Mum and that seems so long ago. It will be wonderful to be able to go out for dinner together, or just go for a Sunday drive or got to the markets. Even to have a private conversation without Mum answering.....
122864✽
The aged care facility she's going to stay at is really, really lovely.
Ray and I went to see it yesterday and when we walked inside it was like walking into a hotel. It was so bright and airy, it has skylights running the length of each wing and every guest's room has it's own ensuite and opens out onto the outdoor gardens.
They have a library, a hairdressers, a dining room, several fantastic tv rooms, one of them had three computers for their use. Then there was a stage area for singalongs that doubled for church services. I told Ray I would gladly go and stay there and have everything done for me. Maybe not just yet though. :-)
But it was lovely and the staff were lovely too.
Ray and I went to see it yesterday and when we walked inside it was like walking into a hotel. It was so bright and airy, it has skylights running the length of each wing and every guest's room has it's own ensuite and opens out onto the outdoor gardens.
They have a library, a hairdressers, a dining room, several fantastic tv rooms, one of them had three computers for their use. Then there was a stage area for singalongs that doubled for church services. I told Ray I would gladly go and stay there and have everything done for me. Maybe not just yet though. :-)
But it was lovely and the staff were lovely too.
52686✽
by
shirley124
13 Jun 2012
+6✽
Been there, done that with my MIL. Know just what you are going through. Sadly she is not with us anymore. She passed away just after my eldest GS was born. Enjoy your 5 weeks of together time with your husband. Hugs Shirley
255054✽
Please Meganne do not feel guilty. Just enjoy the time with Ray - you deserve it. My dear aunt also had dementia and alzheimers and I know how my cousins felt when they had to put her in a home. You have obviously been a wonderful DIL and now this is your time to have a break. Thinking of you and many hugs. Sarah.
26714✽
Relax and enjoy those 5 weeks, It is not your fault, you have done everything that you can do, she is going to be in a good place, and you and your husband can go and visit her.
78119✽
It seems that they are going to take good care of her and she will have company living in a lovely place. So relax and enjoy your freedom while you can.
Hugs, Lidia
Hugs, Lidia
64451✽
So happy that things are progressing and that you will finally get a break. The guilt factor is always a pain in the butt but you have to let it go. This break will give you a chance to refuel for the next round, (should
there be one) so take avantage of each precious moment
and let the guilt find someone else to pick on,
hugs
Michelle
there be one) so take avantage of each precious moment
and let the guilt find someone else to pick on,
hugs
Michelle
89895✽
This is to give you a much needed break from caregiving and you should not feel guilty. If one of you have Power of Attorney or equivalent in Australia why don't you have her gift her portion of the house to you. You might have to pay a gift tax or whatever your government requires but then you will have the relief of not losing your home if she needs to go into a facility. Enjoy your time to get some rest and reorganize your space so you have more things around where you have to keep an eye on her. If you can get some type of buzzers to put on doors that sound an alarm if she should venture out that is also a piece of mind if you should go off into another area of the house.
1 comment
I'm afraid if they gift anything away (here) the government will make the family give it back. The limit they can give away is $10,000 and in Australia the person GIVING the monetary gift has to pay the gift tax. They seem to have a rule for every situation.
158718✽
Oh, sweetie- you are about to be emptynesters (albeit temporarily) so enjoy! Run through the house naked, sing loudly and eat junk food for the first day or two.;)
2 comments
Not quite, we still have three ageing cats and a dog, who is supposed to be geriatric at age 12, but who still tears around the house like a juvenile. hahahahah!!!
Meganne the cats won't care if run around the house naked.
72397✽
12407✽
by
christracey
14 Jun 2012
+5✽
Enjoy your time together whilst your MIL is in respite. My FIL was placed in permenent care in January due to Alzeiheimers. My MIL felt guilty about it but she couldn't cope any longer. They may re-assess your MIL to find that she does need full time care & surely work around her financial side of things. Not everyone has a place to sell, so it must vary.
17214✽
Hi Meganne - I'm so glad that you and Ray have five weeks of TwosomeTime ahead of you. Just be sure that the rest of your family know it's TwosomeTime and you'll be calling the shots.
It's so important to recharge the batteries.
AlmaG.
It's so important to recharge the batteries.
AlmaG.
1 comment
Oh Alma, I'm looking forward to just going out whenever I feel like it. I can drive up and see my grandchildren, I've only seen the baby once in four months since he was born, it is criminal to have to live like this.
13250✽
I know Alzheimer's is tough to deal with. Hopefully you can find a home close that has a special unit for people with different types of dementia. Yes, you do indeed need the respite care - make sure that if you do bring her home after the 5 weeks, that you take advantage of the respite care again. Don't let it get to the point that you are Ray get so down that your own health suffers. ENJOY you break. DO something special just for the 2 of you.
1 comment
we have found a lovely facility for her, it is so nice I told her if she doesn't go and stay there, I will, and she will have to stay here and look after herself.
I would gladly go for a stay there, to be looked after and waited on. :-)))
I would gladly go for a stay there, to be looked after and waited on. :-)))
76409✽
Please don't feel guilty. you need some time to yourselves and you will feel all the better to take care of her when she comes back.I looked after my FIL and I know how they can make you feel guilty over the slightest thing
Hugs Raelene
Hugs Raelene
1 comment
It is difficult Raelene, I have always been the 'strong','responsible' one in the family and I feel like I should be able to cope indefinitely, alas I too am ageing and getting tired.
So I have to accept it is time for a break, I can cope with that more than permanent care, right now.
So I have to accept it is time for a break, I can cope with that more than permanent care, right now.
16302✽
by
justonlyme
14 Jun 2012
+4✽
Take pictures of all of her personal effects too. When I put my MIL in rehab, they lost EVERY piece of clothing that I brought. Then they demanded that I prove that she brought it. I had pictures. They had taken her clothes and relabeled them for another resident. We moved her out of there. I had no idea.
I hope that you can lay down the law to them early so they don't call you all hours of the day and night for petty little things.
Take some much needed time off and allow yourself the enjoyment without the guilt. She is being cared for, so you don't have to feel bad that she is not with you. To help with the guilt, decide to go visit her on a specified day of the week (perhaps once per week) for a half hour or so. Then they will know to tell her that you will be back. Alzheimer's is an evil invader! It rattles families to the foundation. I get to go through this with my husband. He is very young for the disease but has a very aggressive form. So enjoy life. Take it one day at a time. And no guilt.
If guilt really does reign your existence, send her a card each time the feeling comes upon you. Let her know that SHE is the one at a luxury resort, and you'll see her when she gets back from vacation. We did that with my MIL and it worked beautifully! Hang in there.
I hope that you can lay down the law to them early so they don't call you all hours of the day and night for petty little things.
Take some much needed time off and allow yourself the enjoyment without the guilt. She is being cared for, so you don't have to feel bad that she is not with you. To help with the guilt, decide to go visit her on a specified day of the week (perhaps once per week) for a half hour or so. Then they will know to tell her that you will be back. Alzheimer's is an evil invader! It rattles families to the foundation. I get to go through this with my husband. He is very young for the disease but has a very aggressive form. So enjoy life. Take it one day at a time. And no guilt.
If guilt really does reign your existence, send her a card each time the feeling comes upon you. Let her know that SHE is the one at a luxury resort, and you'll see her when she gets back from vacation. We did that with my MIL and it worked beautifully! Hang in there.
109774✽
by
crafter2243
15 Jun 2012
+4✽
Meganne I wish I could snap my finger and make it so you would not have a second of guilt. Having to take care of anyone 24/7 is tough. It is twice as tough when it is coupled with Alzheimer and Dementia. Tell yourself the truth which is 'you need to recuperate' otherwise you are no good to anyone and let the guilt pass. Enjoy the time you have alone with Ray and forget about trying to mend the stocking.
Hugs
Hugs
39739✽
Meganne
You have been so loving and patient. I hope you can get some well earned time with Ray, maybe have that honeymoon.lol.
hugs Helen
You have been so loving and patient. I hope you can get some well earned time with Ray, maybe have that honeymoon.lol.
hugs Helen
5955✽
Don't feel guilty Meg everyone needs time out, you need to look after your own health♥
15141✽
I Know what this is like . My dad and I nursed my mum through Alzheimers until it dragged my dads health down too so had both of them in seperate nursinghomes. You dont have to sell the home if you get them declared High Care in Queensland I suppose it applies to other states too. Only Low care they have to sell the house. My son has been bedridden for 16 years so I have had a double wammey so you do need to have your respite. It is very necessery for your own health so dont feel guilty. Hugs Joyce
7875✽
My thoughts and prayers for you. You need not feel guilty. You have been wonderful to do all that you have and are doing.
I have a darling son that needs me 31yrs, and no one knows or cares that I could have a break.I try to involve my husband but he pretends or is useless. I am allowed to keep busy with my hobbies but am desperately homebound.
Love and Hugs Bev
I have a darling son that needs me 31yrs, and no one knows or cares that I could have a break.I try to involve my husband but he pretends or is useless. I am allowed to keep busy with my hobbies but am desperately homebound.
Love and Hugs Bev
2 comments
Sending you Love and Light to Bev.
Bev I truly empathise with you, being a carer 24/7 is a thankless job and unless you have done it NO-ONE knows how tough it is to give up your own life for someone else. I swear I will NEVER expect my sons to care for me, I'll drive my car off a cliff first.
4666✽
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Love and Light for you meganne.
115778✽
by
asterixsew
16 Jun 2012
+1✽
Meg dont feel guilty. My friend has just collected her mum (101) from a weeks respite care. It has rejuvinated both of them and the mum is now stronger than when she went away. Enjoy the time you and Ray have together
20661✽
Oh wow, its been a long time coming this little break for you and Ray. Don't you dare feel guilty you've done so much more than a lot of DIL's would do. It's time to take care of yourself and enjoy your freedom however brief it will be. Now get busy and get those labels sewn in. Hugs n Love Sis