I know how you feel....my 90 year old mother is also in an institution and I feel so guilty for leaving her there, but also know that I cannot take care of her like they do.She too suffers from dementia

Sorry, I have no experience with this. They only thing I can do is give you a hug, I know you did the best you could.

Although I can't relate personally, I know many who have lived through this and it was very hard to let go. Reason with the fact that she is better off there for health and safety issues. I can still see my husband's face of despair the first time we visited his mother in the senior home. Her surroundings were scary (her mind was fine but many others not so). He was disturbed by it. She is gone now but she managed quite well and was taken great care of in her last years.
You deserve to live a peaceful, serene life as well with your husband and you have to remember that she (in her state) is not aware that you are not there.
Prayers for you both as you cope with this.
hugs
Michelle

Dear Meg,

Now listen here, I've known you and Ray for a few years now and cannot commend you highly enough on the feeding, care, love and concern you have given to Dulcie. Without your help over the past 8 years Dulcie would not have lasted this long. Being an outsider I can see how hard it's been for you and I see first-hand whenever I visit you guys how tough it is and has been for you. You have been more of a daughter than a daughter-in-law and I'd be very happy if I got that sort of assistance if it was me in that situation.

Do not feel guilty Meg, as Dulcie is in her own little world now and would no doubt be oblivious to what is going on around her. Do not despair about the situation as you have done everything possible to help this lady live out her long life with dignity. I'm sure a lot of women would not have done what you have done and I know Ray thinks the world of you for looking after her. I know what you have been feeling from our conversations and I just think you are an amazing woman and your compassion knows no bounds. I so admire your perseverance with such a difficult situation.

Looking forward to our day together on Friday. Loving thoughts, prayers and hugs and cuddles being sent to you both, Chris

Hi Meg,
I do not like discussing private family things on a public forum but I would like to bring you up to date about my mom (and step dad). Remember about 20 months ago I mentioned placing my parents in an old age home after them living with us for 8 years. It was a very difficult decision, but we went through with our decision. Mom also suffered from dementia, is a diabetic, high blood pressure sufferer and refuses to bath and eat at table. Food had to be brought to the room and then they would toss the food out into the trashcan and tell all who would listen that they do not get fed.
Well they ended up in the home and that was absolutely difficult for me to accept. The first few weeks I never visited them I felt too guilty.... Later on my visits were more frequent and she looked forward to them but I learned not to make definite dates to visit as that was all she lived for. If I said Monday and could not be there that day she would go ballistic, so I would pop in whenever I could. Later on her health started deteriorating badly. She is 85 years old. She also decided to stop eating. She lost an insane amount of weight, her muscles also started giving in. They (the staff) realized there was something fishy going on about her eating habits and only at that stage started feeding her. She was very difficult eater. In a matter of three weeks she lost the ability to use her hands or legs. She had a few severe falls and on occasion landed up in hospital as a result of falling. They had to carry her to the comode two steps away from her bed and had to help her do all her personal toiletries. At this stage she had dysentry as well. You can imagine the mess. Well, she ended up in sickbay. At this stage she is only a skeleton covered in skin. She looks terrible. She is now in a 'cot' bed so that she cannot climb out and hurt herself. She gets pushed around in a wheelchair, gets fed, drinks through a straw if someone hold the glass, or just lies in bed on her side and that's it. Cannot talk as she has also lost her voice. Now the reason I am telling you all this is that I also feel guilty for leaving her there, but I have realized SHE IS IN THE BEST PLACE. I cannot do what they are trained to do. To me she looks terrible, to them she is 'normal'. They know how to treat her. I don't even know how to move her. I still have this terrible feeling that I am deserting her when I leave there. But it is not true. I am still coming to terms with the decision that she is better off there. It is very difficult BUT I HAVE TO DO IT. You also have the right to be on your own AND TO ENJOY IT. You have the right to have a normal life. No-one can point fingers and this decision for me was the right one, so I have learned.
Sorry about the long post I did not intend to write a book but I spoke from the heart. Hope this helps you as I also feel better myself for putting it down in writing (therapy).
Love Shirley

Dearest Meg,
You have already received the best possible advice and support from your good friends here and so I will not complicate matters other than to say that: "This is now the right time to concentrate your decisions upon what is right and best for you and your husband. Through that process alone will Ray's mum be at peace with herself, supported by your love and the professional care she will receive in the nursing home.

Hi Meganne, Bless you for having a heart. I hope future generations carry on that aspect of humanity. We say the kids these days are a different sort with technology. Technology can't hold your hand, or tell you that everything will be OK, and the world is spinning as it should. You are and have been there for your family your entire life, and you are still there. I hope her condition continues to improve and she can return home, as so many families lose their elderly loved ones in their fragile condition. In the meanwhile it would behoove you to live life to its fullest and enjoy this time to refresh yourself, and whatever else you would like... Hugs and smiles.

First off may I say if I'm not suppose to be here, please forgive the intrusion. I felt compelled to right this...

I am relatively new to this group and have never posted before. Secondly, I am just coming off taking care of my mom, with dementia, it will be 1 yr ago Feb 21st, that she passed. The details aren't important; suffice it to say they aren't unlike yours or anyone's at this time.
I would like to share with you what a very caring Dr. told me when I had to place her in Hospice care straight from the hospital.
He commended me for taking care of her as long as I did.
Thanked me for attempting that care and was surprised at how long I was able to do so without a break or any outside help.
The most important words he left me with were these...
'YOU tried, YOU did the absolute best YOU could, under the circumstances. It is now time for you to step back, take some very deep breathes and go back to becoming the daughter.'
The guilt almost destroyed me...but that is basically from the NON CARE we give to ourselves during this very difficult time. If you are tired, wore out, weepy, cranky...whatever, it is all part and parcel of this responsibility you and your husband had assumed. I stayed with her until the end, and found peace in turning the entire issue over to a HIGHER Being. It's taken me the better part of this year (2013-2014) to come to terms with all the issues...but it has made me stronger, better and more determined to progress.
One last thought, don't be afraid to go and visit her, it will get easier and please try and remember her for the beautiful person she was and still is...hidden under this awful disease. She is still that woman...who raised the wonderful husband you have and both share...for that reason alone, love will see y'all through this trying ordeal. Find comfort in doing the little things for her now, somewhere inside her tortured soul she knows and understands. Thank you for letting me share and hope this is some help to you.

Meganne, my daughter is a speech pathlogist in a rehab/nursing home in Ala. Many of her patients have dementia, etc. She loves her patients as anyone who works in these situations have to do...do not feel guilty! A few things she has said she often would like to tell the family: please come see them even though they won't remember you were there; please don't continue to remind them of sad events (as the passing of someone when they ask how they are, just say they are fine) because each time they are told they grieve again; and remember each day (& sometimes each hour) is new to them, again. As my mother always said "Might as well laugh as cry." If it's possible for you to smile with her, laugh with her...do so. But the most important thing to remember is what the messages below have said...visit with no regrets, you & Ray have done all you are able to do & now someone else will be helping you. Doesn't mean you have just left her..you haven't! I can assure you, we as humans will always find something to regret when she's gone, but you shouldn't. (Yeah, I regretting not reading my mom's Sun. School lesson to her when her eyes were failing.) Will be remembering you & Ray in my prayers. Love & prayers to you from around the world.

You have done what God has asked of you both which was care for her .Now let the next faze begin and try to just be thank-ful you could do as much as u did .Now its others turn .God bless you both big hugs Carolyn

Pleas know that many are offering up prayers to help you cope with all you are going through right now. Blessings on you.

Go often and visit with her and don't feel guilty about having to leave her in the care of others. They forget everything and may not always remember who you are. It is more difficult for us to see our loved ones like that. The 24 hour staff can keep them safer without the sleepless nights and stress of being a constant one or two person caregiver. Hope you can find peace in knowing you have made the right decision on her care.

you have some terrific comments here my friend please take comfort in the words below! Much hugs Loralye

Meganne, Thank you for asking this question and, a special thank you to all those who answered below. This disease is so dreadful and it is hard to understand why science has not found a cure. I admire you even though I know you not. I admire the women who have given you such great counsel. Compassion and charity abound in you all. The advice given helps me to understand a little better what a dear friend is going through with her husband. May the Lord be with you

I have read all the post with interest because I too am going thru this. My 90 yo mother lives with me. 11 years ago after 2 heart attacks I sold both of our houses and bought one that would work for the two of us. Little did I know how much of my life I was giving up. I know that sounds terrible. I did not know how hard it would be. I love her with all my heart but some times I just have to run away for a few days to keep my own health. DO NOT feel guilty. I know what you went thru and How lucky she was to have you in her life. Do not dwell, it is time to take care of yourself and enjoy your family. Time just fly's by too fast. Go live your life. Hugs Joanne

I have been in your shoes...... My dad had to be there for years. He was 6'2 and 300 pounds and could not walk or stand...... I had to stay on top of them to take care of him. Best of luck keep you in my prayers. DeVon

It's just so sad and there is really no escape. All you can do is trust that God will send the help that she needs and also give you peace.

Dear Meg, I will send you an e mail later today. Hugs Sarah

Meganne take a deep breath, you have done more than a lot of people do for their families. A lot of good advise and words of comfort have been given here to both you and your husband it is a hard and trying time, remember you have a lot of good friends here with large shoulder to help you and a really big box of tissues.. marian

Meganne I am trying to remember exactly what a friend said about her mothers care after her father had died. It was along the lines of I have to make sure that my mother receives excellent care but I don't have to be the carer. You have been a excellent carer over the years and it is not failure that you pass care onto others. You and Ray have a life too and I am sure if you had talked to your mil year ago about this current situation she would have agreed with your current choice. Sit down at that lovely new table and have a coffee/tea and relax

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Your Mil is being looked after by people who know how to look after her & they get to have home time away from it all. It is too much on you both to continue to care for her. Visit her when you can - she may not always know who you are but you know who she is! I used to work in an aged care hostel & so many residents never had any visitors. My FIL is in a hostel too with Dementia...we just lost my MIL on the 25th January, she was in her own independent flat. She put her self through rough times when she had to put Fil into care but realized it was for the best for his care & her own health. Sending prayers for you both.